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The one I lost . . .

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Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 1
Location: Reno

PostPosted: Fri Dec 22, 2006 9:53 am    Post subject: The one I lost . . . Reply with quote

I am not a shy person and I am willing to talk about the person that I lost with no problem.

Her and I were dating for 1.5 years. She was the girl of my dreams and I was addicted to her like breathing. In December of 2005 she decided that she wanted to study abroad in Spain for 6 weeks, and she asked if I could come. I was talking my year off at the time and did not have the money to be away for 6 weeks, however I agreed that I could join her at the end of her trip and we could travel Nothern Europe for 2 weeks together. I worked two full time jobs to pay for this trip, and I still spent all of my free time with her. We lived togehter, either at my apartment or mine; we were never apart. We never WANTED to be apart. The night before she was supposed to leave her father called to say that he did not want me at the airport the next day. Needless to say I was pissed off beyond belief. She, on the other hand, asked me to respect his wishes seeing as he was paying for most of her trip. It was so hard saying good by to her, but i knew it would be for the best, because I had plans to get a student loan and buy an engagment ring so I could propose to her on top of the Effiel Tower in Paris. She left for the trip on June 28th. Her first two weeks in Spain were to be spent in Madrid and she would not have a phone during that time, so we only had email communication until she got to San Sebaston. To make a long story short, while she was in Madrid she had meet this guy in a bar and had cheated on me with him. This happened on July 3rd. When I finally talked to her and found out what happened, I told her that I would take her back because loseing her was far more painful than what she had put me through. She did not see things that way. She felt that she did not love me as much as I loved her and that the only thing to do was to give this new guy a shot and that we were through. I am not joking about this! Here is the email that she wrote to her step mom about the whole thing (she forwarded it to me so I could under stand where she was comming from: (By the way, I am Dave)

"Hi! my love life is crazy complicated! I have no idea what I am going to do and I have two guys telling me everyday why they are better and i should pick them. I told dave everything that happened and he was really upset. He told me he called the suicide hotline and I freaked out so he called back later just to say he said that to make me feel badly and show how he cant survive without me. I think that was taking it too far. He obviously loves me a lot and i love him and care him about him too. I always love to hang out with him and have a great time. I canīt really think of any reason to break up with him. One reason i was explaining to him that i didnt know if we were still going to be together when we get back is because i sort of feel like he loves me more than i love him. I mean i was sad when i left but i got over it pretty quickly while he still hasnīt. He is having trouble eating and sleeping, and its just a little obssesive i think. I can survive independently and he cant, so i dont know what that means exaclty. I also thinks its odd heīs so accepting of me cheating on him. I would break up with him in an instant if he did that to me but that never even crossed his mind. I also just donīt know if this is the guy i want to be with forever, i sort of want to explore my other option but at the same time i dont want to give up something with dave. What if i make the wrong decision and dave really was the one? And how can i stay with dave after being able to cheat on him physically and emotionally? It seems like he cant be the one if i am capable of doing that. Like you would never even consider cheating on dad, right? Thatīs probably because you love and respect him and so dont consider other guys in that way (im assuming). Anyway, then thereīs the other guy who i had an amazing connection with right from the beginning. It was soooo much different than when i first got together with dave because we and i connected immediately and ther was no question. It was like we had known eachother for years after only 2 days! We have a lot in common and just get along really well in general. Heīs a little older though but he already has 2 degress. (His education is a plus because heīll have a secure job no matter what and, well, heīs smarter than Dave and more at or above my level in general). Age doesnt seem to be a very big difference when we are talking or hanging out though, it feels like weīre the same age. He really wants to giveĻa relationship between us a try when we get back and i kind of want to at the same time i dont really want to leave dave. he is already talking about what we can do together and how heīs gonna change his class schedule so we can hang out for longer weekends (he lives in Vegas and so we could only see eachother like every other weekend...). He says heīs never felt a connection like we have either and that he has never fallen for someone so fast. Heīs saying that if i get back and choose dave then hes not gonna just give up and heīll fight for me! (Also what dave says). So i just dont know what to do or who to choose. I donīt know if i will get back and the excitement of being in another country will wear off and i will decide i made a mistake (probably not though since i dont regret meeting the other guy). I gave dave the chance to not go backpacking with me and he said he wants to because even if we break up he will have gone backpacking with his best friend and it will be worth it. Thats another reason breaking up with Dave would be hard- i dont want to lose him as a friend but i think it would be awkward to continue with just a platonic realationship too. AHHH! Why does it all have to be so confusing!? Anyway, i look forward to hearing your advice- sorry if its too much information or some of it doesnt make sense or whatever! And thanks for listening because i dont really have anyone else to talk to about this!"

And here is her step mom's response: (Again I am Dave and she is MA)

"Dear MA,
Whew! There is alot going on!!
My first reaction is, it seems to me you already have made a decision. How can you possibly stay with someone who is not capable of being independent? The only way to be in a healthy relationship is to be comfortable in your own skin. Also MA, this is very important, you need to be able to look up to your partner in every way.. intellectually, spiritually, etc. The little things that bother you now about Dave will only increase with time. The fact that you did cheat on him so rapidly is very telling. And by the way, I have never been attracted to another man since being with Paul. I think I can safely say the same is true of him. We had a strong chemical response to each other the first time we met, and it has never gone away. The chemistry is either there, or it isn't.
I think Dave is a very nice, sweet, gentle person. You guys met when you both needed each other. Unfortunately for Dave, he was born into a really tough family situation. He will spend the rest of his life working his way through it emotionally. You cannot fix him, or give him more drive. If he does things to please you (school, job, etc.), he will end up resenting it later. You are just different MA. I don't mean better, just different. You have much more drive, you are smarter, and I believe you have a better future ahead of you, and Dave would hold you back. I see a great similarity between the situation with Paul and Jane, and you and Dave. Paul thought he could "save" Jane. He couldn't, not if she wouldn't "save" herself. I know Dave is much healthier, and smarter than Jane, but you can't make Dave a better, smarter, or stronger man. He has to become that himself, and it will take a long time, he has alot of baggage to let go of. Jane held Paul back in many ways, don't make the same mistake. Do better. You deserve a better life MA.
I'm not sure if the other guy is "the one" MA, but those kind of connections only come around once, maybe twice in one lifetime, so I think you should explore it. If nothing else you will relate to a more mature, secure, educated man, and learn from him. Have fun and don't lead life by guilt!
Having said that (you asked, so I'm going to give you my opinion!!) I think it would be a nightmare for Dave to come over there. I think it is terribly unfair to Dave. He will hold out hope that you will stay with him. I think it would be a very bad scene. I think you should offer to pay him back half the cost of his ticket. You owe him that, but that is all. You are right to be honest with him, while trying to hurt him as little as possible. The pain he is feeling is some of the worst pain of his life, but he will get over it, and trying to make you feel guilty is a cheap shot. You need to cut it clean MA so you stop giving him hope.You giving him hope, then going to the other guy is like scraping the scab off of a fresh wound, it isn't fair. You will go thought the same thing some day, we all do.
Life is funny. The older I get, the stranger it gets. Love is THE most important thing. That is what I know for sure. Relationships are the most important. If you have an opportunity for incredible love, take it, treasure it, but be fair to those you leave behind. Maybe someday you and Dave can be friends, but not for quite awhile. Not until he moves on and finds love, and heals and understands. You can't have them both MA and it is unfair to all involved."

All in all we decided to go on the trip and this is my response after all of it:

". . . Everyday I try and regret our relationship. I try to tell myself that in a few years it will feel like a little kid thing, but I don't think it will. I will always look at us and wish for a time machine to go back in time and go to Spain with you. See, you are confused because you feel that because you feel something for (the new guy) that you cannot feel it for me. I am resolved in the fact that this is not true. You said some hurtful things to me about how smart I was, how educated I was, and how like you I was. For a while I thought to myself, "How can I been with someone that is so shallow?" But, I realized, you are not shallow (I repeat NOT shallow) you are just confused and lost. You could not come to a decision between (the new guy) and I so you started looking to lesser things to help make your decision. I know for a fact that this is not the real you. The real MA that I fell in love with is understanding and caring enough to overlook things like that as see the person for their heart. When I look at you I still see that person, granted they are covered by a lot of confusion and emotions, but they are there. This is why I can still be friends with you even after you hurt me sooooooo badly. I am able to see through that shroud, and see the person I care about. As far as me always giving you what you want: Your right, I would bend over backwards to please you. I would do what ever you asked, at any time of day or night, in any weather, in any town. However, this is not unhealthy. You see, I enjoy doing those things. It would be unhealthy of I regreted doing that, but I actually enjoy it. Where you thought that you were taking advantage of what I had to give, I actually was getting as much out of it as you were, just in a different way. You said that this was unhealthy for you as well because you do not like the person that you have become, but only you control that. Just changing the person you are with does not change you. I know that this is not the only reason that you like him more but please consider this. This is why I am able to continue to give you unconditional love. If you were living with him and you wanted me to bring you some mint chocolate chip ice cream and watch a movie with you at 2am and I had work or class the next morning at 6am, I would do it. I would not only do it willingly, I would enjoy doing it. This is unconditional love, love without conditions. I am not going to say 'I will love you only when you are good and nice to me. Or, I will love you only if you love me back. Or, I will love you only if you believe the things that I do.' I will love you always and forever. This has not and will not change just because we are not dating, love never changes. I will just have to learn to redirect my love into a wonderful friendship. I will do the same things for you in a friendship that I did in the relationship, if you ever need me to. You need me to rent a movie for you, just call. You need me to fix something, just call. You need me to squish a bug or lift a heavy thing for you, just call (lol). Even after feeling this pain, the kinda pain that scars a person for life, I am willing to move on. We will always have a realtionship, it has just evolved into something different. You said that when you get back you will have to go through a similar process over losing me, but that is not true. I lost you, you gave me up. There is a huge difference in the emotions involved here. I believe that the fact that you will feel emotions over our relationship ending, means that there is a part of you that does not want it to end. I am not going to hold my breath for that part of you, but I will take satisfaction in the fact that it is there. I still think that maybe one day down the road we may be happy with one another again, but I may also be hit by lightning! Lol. I am going to continue to survive in my every day to day, but I will feel like something is missing for quite a while, if not forever. I will hope everyday that I will not live the rest of my life alone, but I will prepare for it. I am going to coninue to try and have a life, but this is what I will do while waiting. I will wait for one of two things, either you to come back to me or someone else to find me. I think that both are equally possible and I will be happy with either. However I do know this, without someone to have and to hold, love and care about, and give your heart to, life is pointless. Again I say, 'If not for love then why?' I love you . . . "

The trip to Europe with her was hard, but I am stronger because of it. So that is my story and if you have any questions, do not hesitate to PM of email me!
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 23, 2006 5:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for sharing yours story with us, Hopelessly_Human. I admire your spirit. It is a pity, things didn't end in the way... you know.

Well, be it the path of life or the path of love... there is more mountains waiting for you to conquer...

For now... I guess I would just wish ya a "Merry Christmas and a wonderful New year ahead!" Till we hear from you again... Wink
If They Can Be in Love, Why Can't You? You can be in love too. Find out more...
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PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2008 1:57 pm    Post subject: dating Reply with quote

Hello, this was the right thing that you have done. I don’t think that you were wrong.
All the best!
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Joined: 15 Jun 2010
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Location: st paul minnesota ,usa

PostPosted: Tue Jun 15, 2010 4:16 pm    Post subject: i believe this will help you also Reply with quote

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