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Is it cheating?

 
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Distressed
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Joined: 17 Nov 2005
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Location: Vancouver, Canada

PostPosted: Thu Nov 17, 2005 8:45 pm    Post subject: Is it cheating? Reply with quote

Ok - so here's my dilemma.

I am recently married (in August of this year) and I have discovered a secret that my husband has been keeping from me for a while.

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised this is happening as we met online (Lavalife) but I guess I thought once we were together that would be the end of our online dating experience. Unfortunately, I have discovered that my husband has been "chatting" with other women in the "Intimate" dating section of Lavalife. I have actually signed myself up with fake information and a photo and know FOR SURE that it is him as he has sent me photos and we have "chatted".

I'm not sure what to do? Part of me thinks this is just innocent fun - he's not actually seeing any of these women as far as I know (although in the chats that I have had with him under my alias things have gotten pretty steamy) and the other part of me is totally crushed and wonders why he needs to "chat" with other women as a part of his sex-life. As far as I can tell we have a good sex-life and when I have asked him if I make him happy he says that I do.

I'm confused and I don't know what to do. What I do know is this is stressing me out and (I think) making me sick.

I would really appreciate some rational feedback - I don't need someone telling me to dump him. I need to know how or if I should confront him - I am not interested in scrapping my marriage before it's hardly begun.

Please help!
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scorpio
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Joined: 02 Jun 2005
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 1:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Distressed

I know you definitely are not feeling good about this. Well no women in this world would like that husband or boyfriend to be "Flirting" with other gals.

Anway just a thought, how's thing between the both of you? In good constant communication with one another? I am not suggesting anything, Distressed. Just felt that good communication between a couple is very important.

I certainly agree with you. It's not the time now, to scrap up your marriage. Afterall he isn't really seeing any of the gals. Well perhaps before confronting him, you could on your part, try to spice up the relationship? Spending more time with him, planning little surprises for him... etc. Monitoring how things goes along the way first? Wink
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Distressed
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 7:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the advice.

Yes - we have pretty good communication. The "high sex drive" that he says he has on-line has never really been revealed to be in person. We do spend a good deal of time together (we almost always sit down to dinner) and I've certainly asked him if I satisfy him. I beleive that we have a fairly open relationship - we don't fight, we discuss what is bothering us.

I'm not sure if he's afraid to reveal hs "high sex-drive" to me, but lately (since I discovered his secret) I have been trying to engage him in conversations about our sex-life and fantasies and he never has much of a response. On-line he tells me he likes to watch - in person, he's never expressed this. I am definately trying to learn from our on-line conversations, but I suspect that part of why he is there is because it is unknown.

I dunno. I want to tell him that I know, because I think maybe he needs help - we need help. He often tells me how happy he is that he married me and how uch he loves me. I don't get it.

Anyone else out there with suggestions? Crying or Very sad
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scorpio
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 12:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dear Distressed

Glad to know that you both have been in good communication. I can see that you are definitely doing your part for this relationship.

Well I no certainly not in any position to be giving any professional advice. I wouldn't know whether he is indeed hiding anything from you... but I guess it wouldn't be nice to reveal your "online" identity to him. I am afraid it might hurt him to know about it...

I am sure sex is not everything to him. 24 hours a day, how long can one really last? Other than enjoying sex, I should believe that there's plentiful of other things you both enjoy doing together, together as a couple? Something he enjoy doing with you...

Pardon me for asking, Between the "online" you and the you in real person, can you feel who he enjoy been with more? I sure the real you in definitely more attractive Wink

Sincerely hope that things will work out well...
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whiterose
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 8:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi!

Maybe you should tell him that you know so that he can get help. I don't think anything is impossible, so I believe that if you really try, you two can work it out. Give it a go, okay? try to work through it. Were you married in a Church? If so, you are bound by God, and he is always with you. You'll get through it. Don't worry Wink



~BELIEVE~
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Buck
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 28, 2005 11:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Definitely let him know that you are aware of his online activities . If he does this this early in the marriage it will just develop into something more serious. Gotta nip these things in the bud.
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ShockNRockN
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 06, 2006 9:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't know if this will help... Take the computers down when he's not around and, see how he reacts... If he asks where the computers are tell him they are at the shop getting fixed because there was a virus on the computers or computer if you only have one. Another way to find out if he is cheating and you really are talking to him online. Set up a date a time and place tell him you two should meet even though he thinks your someone else. But if you find out IF he is cheating what will you do about the situation???
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CashMoney
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 04, 2006 2:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

i don't know if i would call it cheating but it definately is not right. i am a gu who has gone through it too. a year ago my wife was flirting with a guy online that lives approximately 500 miles from where i live. i did some spy work and i got his exact address and her and i took a ride. she had no idea where we were going then i found his house knocked on his door. first i introduced myself to him then i said and this is my lovely wife ________ i used her internet screen name and they both about shit their pants i asked her then you staying here or coming home with me.. needless to say she now knows how much i really love her and has stopped doing things that she knows will hurt me/us in this relationship..
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scorpio
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 04, 2006 2:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for sharing with us your story, CashMoney. Well, I certainly must say that that was a very brave thing that you did. But nevertheless, glad that it turned out well... Wink

Anyway, hasn't really heard from Distressed. Sure hope everthing is going on fine for her...
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babyrin
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 06, 2006 8:47 am    Post subject: oh Reply with quote

my bf also like to chat with other woman but tell me he love me.i so confuse too,
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scorpio
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 06, 2006 1:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I am sure nobody will like it when their partner does that.

On the long run, things can certainly get quite unhealthy. Hmm...? Perhaps, cashmoney did exactly the right thing to put a stop to things... Nonetheless, We have to of course see how far an extent the chat conversation is.

If it is a purely once in a while fun, then I guess it is still not too bad. But
if it has become a habit for them and the conversation get too "Intimacy" then you certainly have to do something about it; doing something for yourself.
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