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his mother...please help

 
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eazilyamuzed
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 04, 2007 3:27 am    Post subject: his mother...please help Reply with quote

I don't really know where to begin here but I'll try to keep it short.

My bf and I have been together for about a year and a half now, and I have never met his mother. Basically she refuses to meet me! I have met the rest of his family and we get along great. I feel a bit sorry for his mum because I know she has some issues which she has not resolved and this is stopping her from forming any new relationships with people (so she hasn't made any friends, doesn't work, etc).

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be her best friend or anything. I just want to meet the mother of the person I love so much and I want to feel accepted by her. It really plays with my mind sometimes. I am over at their house very often, but she will always be in the other side of the house (which I am not allowed to go in - & neither is anyone else who isn't immediate family). So she will have to buzz my bf on the phone when she needs something etc.

I have spoken to her maybe a few times over the phone (which is something I guess). One particular phone call, she actually spoke to me for quite a while (a while being maybe a few minutes) and made small talk which I thought was really nice, so I mentioned to her that it would be nice to meet up with her one day...she just started laughing at my comment (possibly nervously) and said to me 'you don't know how my life is...you don't know how things are'. I was pretty shocked, as it sounded mean. I didn't really know what to say, so I just cut the conversation short and said bye (politely, not in a rude way). That was maybe six months ago and I have not spoken to her since (she doesn't answer the phone anymore!).

Every time my bf tries to speak to her seriously about the situation she just ignores him, changes the subject and acts very immature. (Even his grandmother has asked her why she doesn't want to meet me and she just ignored her).

We have not tried to push her in any way, as I understand this will take time for her to get used to, but it has been a year and a half and nothing has changed (i am my boyfriends first girlfriend so she has not had to deal with this before).

It makes things really hard sometimes because we can't spend Christmas, special occassions etc. together because of his mum. My bf has said to me that if I was to ever turn up some place where I knew he & his mum would be, that she would just run away and hide until I leave.

We both know she needs to get counselling to help her sort through her problems, but she doesn't seem to want to help herself, so we don't know what to do. She has been like this for a very long time.

We really love each other and want a future together, and this situation is proving to be pretty stressful.

(btw, the reason why this is really affecting me right now is the fact that I was intending on going over to his house to spend some time together tonight and he's told me I can't come over because he has to pick up his mum - and obviously I can't be there! This has happened many times).

Does anyone have any advice? or been in a similar situation?? Confused
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~Angel~
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 06, 2007 1:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Is your boyfriend old enough & financially ok to be able to move out, maybe get his own apartment? If it's been a year & a 1/2 & she still hasn't come around & despite her problems meet you even for a minute, I have this feeling that she isn't ever going to come around.

Since your boyfriend lives at home it will eventually put a strain on your relationship. Do you have your own place where you 2 can spend time together? If not, maybe if you are able to, maybe you can get an apartment?

I'm not sure exactly how to give you advice here, the only thing I can think is 1 of 2 things. #1, continue to "go w/the flow", be w/your boyfriend & try to not worry about his mom. #2, either 1 of you if you can, get your own place so that you 2 can be together more w/out the added stress of his mother.
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Urmila
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 7:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well mother's are usually in love with their sons, more so than their daughters. Maybe you should find out from him if she was maybe much closer to him unti she found out he was dating you. She seems to be a nice lady because she is trying, there must be something that's bothering her. It probably isn't you, but if he is the only child, she may have a very strong connection with him. You should honestly sit down and talk to the both of them about this. If you do marry this guy, and have kids, she's going to have to be apart of this new family, and if she's ignoring you and staying in her own corner, it's pretty rude. You need to speak to her about this, especially if you serious with this guy and you want to be with him. My own mother in law is very close to my boyfriend, because he's the youngest child. It would hurt me so much if she didn't like me, feeling accepted by a mother in law means alot. Your boyfriend can't keep his mom and you away from each other like this for too long, one day your going to have to break the ice. Maybe you should just enter her space, and show her you care about her just as much as your boyfriend. If she's not going to give you a chance, your just going to have to let it go, and work around it. Your boyfriend seems to care alot about you, for having you as his gf, and trying to deal with his mom.
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Brandon
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 8:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Moms have a hard time letting go, so they get in the way of their kids relationships, because like all parents, they want what is best for their children. Like no one is good enough for their child. I will not get in the way of my kids relationships, but I will try to lead them down the right road, if I can, and hope they make the right choice.
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JulietJules
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 6:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

well your situation is quite different from me. I am doing well with his mom, the only problem we had his mom following wherever we go. Imagine we have to reserve private room to have dinner at a restaurant while his mom having dinner outside of our room at a near table. We had so many fights and discussion btw us about that and I think the best way is persuade him to stand with you.
It's ridiculous that she cannot be in the same room with you. I think not only his mother but he also has to realize that you are already apart of his life and you cannot keep on avoiding like that forever. They both have to come into sense about that and I think the only person who can solve it is your bf.

Jules
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mrsteam
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 9:45 am    Post subject: He should move out! Reply with quote

I feel that he has to detach himself from his mother and not speak to her very much. When she starts to realize that she is losing him, then she will most likely try to resolve the issues.
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myohmy
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2007 6:58 pm    Post subject: Many issues here Reply with quote

I agree with the people who said that mothers have very tough times letting go their sons. But that's an extreme case.

It sounds to me that she's trying to keep his attention. Maybe it's the same thing as with JulietJules, only that in her case the mother has chosen to just be ALWAYS there (so that she stays in her life). In your case it's the sick mother, which just can't stand his girlfriend for [quote:54f8791526]some[/quote:54f8791526] reason.

He should be aware, that he should fight her back. In the worst case, she's going to put the question in a "her or me" way, and we all know who's going to prove he doesn't want mommy to die (or something). He should fight her back, however, because if he doesn't, his mother will get more confident and will react the same way again and again.. and it will be even harder for him to oppose her..

I don't know what you could do in this case. Maybe ask his family about her interests and become passionate about something she likes. If she likes painting - read something about it, buy something nice (a reproduction, etc.), etc. In two words - play the nice, lovely daughter she never had (but always wanted). Like - oh, lovely mother, you're not loosing a son! You're getting a daughter! And your son will love you even more, because the two of you are best friends...

Now, feel free to ignore what I said and know that I'm not a specialist.
In fact, it might be a good idea to consult a psy - he/she may give you an advice on what's the best course of action.

I hope things work out for you!
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Brandon
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 21, 2007 4:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

How are things going now?

I pray whatever the mom is going through that it will get better for her.

She could be depressed or have some other problem going on.

Maybe she is more worried about what you will think of her (if you knew), others too, than you wondering what she thinks of you dating her son.
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