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Wondering If I Should Say Something Again

 
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CanadianGal
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Joined: 16 Feb 2008
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Location: Canada

PostPosted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 5:27 am    Post subject: Wondering If I Should Say Something Again Reply with quote

Hi there:

I'm new to the forum as I found it whilst searching for love advice.

Here's the background.

My best friend and I live together, separate bedrooms. We've been friends for nearly 20 years. I fell for him the first year we were friends and told him how I felt but he told me then that he wasn't interested in my "that way". The defining problems he had with me was 1) I have a volatile temper and 2) I am obese.

Okay, so we remained friends. Getting better and better over the years. Lived together back in 1992 for 7 months, but then I moved out of town. Always stayed in touch and visited. Then I came back to town in 2001 and lived with him for a few months until I moved in with roomies. We have since lived together again since June 2005 to May 2007 with a third roomie, but got our own place last June (2007) because we decided that we preferred to live with each other without a third roommate. We both agreed that we can only seem to tolerate the other when it comes to living situations.

My friends (lets call him Shaun), has been my best friend for years on end. He has helped me through many hard times, supported me over the years, loaned me countless amounts of money when I was off work sick and basically, be the greatest person to me. See why I love him so?

I have tried to be the best friend to him as I possibly can, and he has acknowledged that I am his best friend as well. His family likes me, (his mom wanted us to 'get together' when she was alive, RHS), and most of our mutual friends treat us as a 'couple'. He even asked me to 'marry' him on paper in late 2006 so that I could put him on my benefits through work. He is on all my files and such as my common-law spouse. I gave him medical power of attorney last year when I had surgery and he traveled to the States with me for that surgery and took care of me afterwards. We always joke about how we 'share' a brain. We finish each others sentences, have the same whacked out sense of humour, everyone I know says we make a perfect couple, yadda, yadda...

So, to address the current situation. We still share almost everything. We consult each other on household stuff, buy each other groceries and don't keep tabs. Take each other out for stuff, ie: dinner and movies, etc... In truth, if we were having sex, it would be a relationship. But we are not. We never have. The most that has happened was one kiss 2 NYE's ago.

The thing is that the 2 issues he stated years ago, are well, 1) I had therapy and my temper is under control. Shaun even says how much more down to earth I have been in the last 10 years of our friendship as compared to when we first met. 2) The surgery I had last year was a gastric bypass. I have lost over 100 lbs. to date and am still losing. I know that my weight should no longer be an issue eventually. Shaun has applauded my efforts and comments on how great I look now.

I have been celibate for almost a year due to another medical problem that is being corrected shortly. I know that after this or even further down the line, I will feel more able to carry on a good relationship (physically) with someone. I would like to approach Shaun again about my feelings for him, but am leery.

I know I've rambled on, and I am sorry for that, but I really don't know if I should say anything before this next surgery, wait until afterwards, or wait even longer and see if he 'comes around' as some of my friends have said.

In the past, I have not waited for him as I knew he was not attracted to me. I don't know if he would become attracted to me after I lose some more weight but I would think that the possibility is there. Just to add, I did not have the surgery to lose weight for him. My health had deteriorated to the point that I needed to lose weight or I would have died. I also don't feel bad that he wasn't/isn't attracted to me while I'm overweight. Not everyone likes big girls, I'm okay with that.

I'm hoping that someone out there can make some sense of all that I've said, and maybe give me some feedback or advice. If you have any questions about my post, I'll be happy to answer them if I can.

Thanks for reading my post.
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mary82222
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Joined: 16 Feb 2008
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 5:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Canadian gal,

Wow i really feel for u. It must be hard over all those years to stay friends with someone u love knowing they dont feel the same way. "Shaun" sounds like he is an awesome guy, u must feel blessed to have someone like this in your life. He reminds me of my friend(although its reversed where he was the one that liked me). So what is his current situation now? Is he seeing anyone? if not I think that u should say something cause it seems he cares about u a lot already and would still go on being friends with u. Its probably better u tell him otherwise its going to affect your friendship if u keep it bottled up. If u dont feel comfortable approaching him maybe just make a joke about u two being together and see how he reacts? or get a friend to ask why he doesnt go out with u if your so suited? hope this helps. best of luck with it!

M
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CanadianGal
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Joined: 16 Feb 2008
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Location: Canada

PostPosted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 7:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Mary:

Thanks for your reply. Shaun is a great guy albeit pretty clueless about relationships. He's single right now, has been for a looong time. He has only actually had one girlfriend several years back.

We've discussed why he hasn't found anyone based on what he has told me that he wants in a woman. I fit the bill to a T minus the physical stuff.

I have joked about us being together and so have others. Friends have actually asked us why we aren't together and his stock answer is that we are 'just friends'.

A part of me wonders if he's in denial about his feelings for me and that this is the reason why he hasn't been with anyone for so long. Especially when his actions (for the most part) point to him caring for me more than a friend. Another part wonders if he's embarrassed that he likes me because of my current weight.

Personally, I cherish his friendship and don't ever want to lose it, but I know that if we tried to get together and it didn't work out, we could be friends again. The friendship is that strong, IMO. I just want the chance at that relationship.

It's weird because sometimes I think it's so high school, this "should I or shouldn't I?", but then I know that love is such a whacked emotion and makes you feel all crazy, giddy and such. I sometimes wish I had a switch to turn off my emotions like Data in ST:NG. LOL
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