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He hasn't said he loves me yet

 
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fantasyangel
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PostPosted: Mon May 21, 2007 4:50 am    Post subject: He hasn't said he loves me yet Reply with quote

Well, I'll try to keep this as short as possible. A little over a year ago my current boyfriend and I started dating. Even though we liked each other for awhile, it was complicated and we didn't date until months later. Even before we were official he had said once that he thought he was falling in love with me. Maybe it was just "the chase" or infatuation, but he was definitely pulling out all the stops and being incredibly perfect and sweet before we even started dating. Well, once we started dating we pretty much lived together for two months before he had to go home (he had just graduated from college and had to go back home, which is 1000 miles away). Everything was pretty good for the few months we were together, I can't say I remember anything wrong, but then again it should be the "honeymoon period".

Well after he left, I only saw him over Thanksgiving for less than a week. Because of money and parents, etc...we couldn't see each other more often. Since Thanksgiving break, I didn't see him for 6 months. It was pretty hard (moreso on my side). I was kind of upset that he didn't seem to want to talk to me more or tell me that he missed me...but he explained that he just never had anything to talk about (his life everyday was the same...he hung out with two friends, watched tv, and dealt with his uncompromising parents). I on the other hand, would go out with friends, go to parties, drink, etc. (even though nothing ever happened). I think he wished I would stay home and didn't go hang out with my friends so much.

After graduation, I flew to where he is and we just had our one-year anniversary. Everything seems pretty good right now...even though we haven't seen each other in half a year he seems to be pretty committed and into me. And I do see that he really doesn't do anything with his days except stay at home with his controlling parents lol.

Here's what's been bothering me for a few months. He never said that he loved me. I was curious if it was me or if it was just his personality. I thought about it for awhile and I asked him half a year ago if he ever told his ex-girlfriend that he loved her (he was very much a player and only had one serious girlfriend two years ago...since she dumped him he fooled around with a couple more girls, but then he met me and told me that he really liked me and I would definitely not be just a fling). Anyway, he said that the only times he told his ex that he loved her was when she would force him to say it, like when she would with-hold sex and ask "do you love me?" He explained that it wasn't like he would say it everyday or anything, that she was the one that said it first and she kinda made him say it back. He also told me half a year ago that he liked his ex and me about the same, neither one more than the other...but that this relationship was definitely better than the last. Now, he says he can't even remember being with her, or any of the other girls he was with.

I know that we were only together a couple months before we got separated into a long-distance relationship...and during the long-distance we seemed fairly content and committed to each other, but it seemed like our relationship wasn't really growing. I know that he's not the "type" to be all sweet and romantic and throw out "I love you"s within a few months (like my past boyfriends have been). I suppose I'm just not used to this. I'm just wondering if this is okay, or if I should bring it up. If it wasn't a long-distance relationship I think I would've brought it up earlier in the relationship...but I can kind of understand that long-distance is different, and he is also a different kind of guy I've never dated.

As for his actions, he does show that he cares about me and I'm the only one he wants to be with. He doesn't flirt with other girls and he does tell me things he won't tell anyone else.
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~Angel~
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PostPosted: Mon May 21, 2007 1:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I would wait it out a little bit & see if he will tell you that he loves you. He just might not know HOW to say the words. If he was a player before & his ex-girlfriend made him say it, he just might know how to say it & put the meanings behind the words as well.

It could be he has never been in love & that's why he hasn't said the words to you yet.

I would give him a little more time.
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PostPosted: Mon May 21, 2007 1:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well you need to know, then. because why wait in pain to know that "does he like me?" "he doesnt like me" "No! wait he does" kind-of-deal... you gotta know, if you find out Yes or no wouldnt you feel alot better than roaming in suspense? I mean i hope he says yes though not trying to hex you out of a great life with him, its just that if he did say no that means you can tell him "fudge it, yer can just git owt! of my life"
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fantasyangel
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PostPosted: Mon May 21, 2007 7:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah I do hate the suspense wondering if he loves me or not. But I'm wondering if maybe this long distance, not having seen him for half a year might have just kinda put our relationship on hold. He's planning on driving all the way to my apartment and staying with me all summer...so I'm thinking maybe I should just give it a couple more months and see if we get closer. I'm just not sure if this is the best time to bring it up since we JUST got to see each other for the first time in half a year.

He explained once that he's just not good at talking about feelings and stuff like that. He does well enough to show by being affectionate and being concerned with what I want and need...and I know that sometimes "actions speak louder than words". I mean, I'm sure some of the times with my ex's, they've said "I love you" out of habit and not really meaning it..and I wouldn't want that.
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JulietJules
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PostPosted: Tue May 22, 2007 5:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think we gals get insecure in things like that. All I see is you love that guy and it seems like though he still hasnt say "I love you" he cares about you a lot. But you also have to consider caring and showing affectionate doesnt mean LOVE . It's not enough yet. I think he needs some more time with you. May b he's the guy who wants to take things really slowly. I think sometimes guys find difficult to commit things easily. The best thing would be you can either wait for him to say it (god knows how long will that be) or you just tell him how you feel, dont ask him or dont push him to say the word. Just tell him how you feel and I guess if he really loves you he will understand and flow the word. Best of luck.

Jules
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JulietJules
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PostPosted: Tue May 22, 2007 5:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think we gals get insecure in things like that. All I see is you love that guy and it seems like though he still hasnt say "I love you" he cares about you a lot. But you also have to consider caring and showing affectionate doesnt mean LOVE . It's not enough yet. I think he needs some more time with you. May b he's the guy who wants to take things really slowly. I think sometimes guys find difficult to commit things easily. The best thing would be you can either wait for him to say it (god knows how long will that be) or you just tell him how you feel, dont ask him or dont push him to say the word. Just tell him how you feel and I guess if he really loves you he will understand and flow the word. Best of luck.

Jules
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fantasyangel
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PostPosted: Wed May 23, 2007 5:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for all the comments. So the topic was actually brought up yesterday. It was the last day before I went back home, and he noticed something was wrong and kinda forced it out of me. "You're wondering about the L-word aren't you?" lol..he says he just kinda sensed it. We talked about it for awhile...and I'm still unsure how I feel about it. He says that even though we've technically been together for a year, we were only physically together for 3 months of it. So it's kinda like we've only been dating for a few months. This was something I'd been thinking too. When we saw each other this time when I went to visit him, it was like the "honeymoon period" all over again. I've just never done long-distance, so I don't quite know how to handle that "love word" situation. Maybe if we were never separated, this "love word" thing would've never been a problem.

He also says that even though he was forced to say it to his last girlfriend a couple times, he doesn't want to do that. He says that when he says it he wants to mean it. That it just isn't the "right time". He says that people nowadays throw the word around like it's meaningless, and he doesn't want to do that.

I also brought up the ex girlfriend issue. I asked if he liked her or had stronger feelings for her than for me...which is why he won't say it to me. He replied that at the point where he had the strongest feelings for each of us, he felt the same intensity. He didn't like her more than me, and vice versa. But he said that with her, it seemed like he liked her a lot the first two weeks they were together, but then after that the relationship was just up and down, that it was just high and low and nothing in between. He says that his feelings for me are more consistent, that it feels more like a relationship, more stable.

I mentioned how it seemed like he tried a lot harder and made more efforts with his ex. He said that she was very demanding and bossy, and her moods were kinda crazy. He felt like he had to do so much for her and try so hard to make the relationship work, so he ended up investing a lot trying to make her happy. After a few months, he was so sick of it that he was just exhausted and just didn't want to try anymore. At some points he'd make up exuses to not talk to her, and he sometimes he just wouldn't be excited to see her at all. "It was like a class that I need to take to graduate, and I just have to do all this homework I don't want to do" is how he refered to the relationship and everything he had to do. He says that with me, I'm not like that, that it's a lot easier. He feels more comfortable and doesn't always feel like he's being forced to do anything. Even though I know it's probably not right...it kinda makes me wonder if maybe I was more "bitchy" and played more games...maybe it'd make him want me more or make him love me. Hopefully this is just a fleeting thought.

He is driving all the way to where I am in a week to be with me. He doesn't want to stay at home anymore with his parents. He told me that he could go anywhere, stay with any of his friends or whatever, but that he wants to be where I am. He said that he dreams that he'll drive to my apartment, I'll open the door and smile, and he'll come into my room and it'll just feel perfect, like home. It was really cute, actually, when he was driving to drop me off at the airport. He kept trying to make up excuses so I'd miss my flight. When we actually made it to the airport, he looked kinda sad and said "so...you're really leaving?" I'm feeling a bit more optimistic but still a little uneasy for some reason though...
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~Angel~
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PostPosted: Wed May 23, 2007 12:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

From reading your latest post it sounds like you had a pretty good talk w/your boyfriend. He was upfront & honest w/you which is a good thing in my opinion.

I would take things slowly...let him take his time & tell you that he loves you when he is ready. I'm betting he will soon, especially now that he's coming back to stay w/you soon. Smile

Take care!
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PostPosted: Wed May 23, 2007 1:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Start... Very Happy
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