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Love is hell

 
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Eliza
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Joined: 24 Sep 2006
Posts: 2
Location: Japan

PostPosted: Sun Sep 24, 2006 3:46 pm    Post subject: Love is hell Reply with quote

Hi. I am in my mid-30s, single, a Western girl living in Japan. I was friends with a guy for a year although I was in love with him for most of that time too. I couldnt tell him of my feelings because I was afraid I would lose his friendship, but I did drop hints. Finally he seemed to be picking up on them and responding.

A month ago my roommates were out of town so I invited him over for dinner. He came and after dinner hit on me - started kissing me. At first I was so dumbfounded that I freaked out a little, but soon relaxed into it. Then when things heated up I confessed that I was nervous cos I hadnt had a boyfriend for a long, long time (years). He suddenly said, I cant be your boyfriend. I said why and he said because you are leaving Japan. When I said I would come back for him he said, no I dont need a girlfriend. I tried to find out more, but he wouldnt talk about it. In fact when I said, did someone hurt you in the past, he said, I dont want to talk about it.

I tried to be patient and gentle with him and after a while we began kissing again Then he got very emotional and seemed like he was about to cry. Said he loved me and then asked if I was angry at him for saying that. I said no and asked what he meant but he clammed up.

Anyway things got more heated and more emotional but it ended up with us not sleeping together and him leaving. As soon as he left I became hysterical. I had not expected that I would be so affected by the situation, even though I had loved him so long.

I sent him an email a couple of days later saying that I loved him and would do whatever it took to be with him, and tried to get him to explain himself. He replied that I had to make my decision for myself and not come back to Japan for him cos it was too much for him. He said that he had had a similar situation when he himself had moved from other places but he didnt go into details.

I havent seen him since that night four weeks ago. We have exchanged a few emails - that emotional one from me, then a neutral one apologising for the emotional one, then he sent me the "dont come back for me" one, then unfortunately, because I was sick with grief and also on strong painkillers I sent one saying I had probably just been sexually frustrated and that's all, then I wrote apologising for that one, he wrote back saying it's OK, then I said I wanted to be friends, he said yes, then a week later he wrote asking if I was OK but I ignored it, then he wrote a few days later asking if I was OK and what was I doing? I said right now or in general and then he didnt reply. A few days after that I wrote a neutral one about being busy, he replied also neutrally, and then last week I wrote saying I was leaving Japan next month and probably wouldnt come back cos my broken heart was killing me and I had loved him more than anything in the world. No reply to that one.

I dont know what the hell to do. Plus he is Japanese (though he has lived in a Western country) so even more emotionally guarded. I still do feel that I love him.
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scorpio
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Joined: 02 Jun 2005
Posts: 292

PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 2:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

To be falling in love with someone who just don't have the courage to reciprocate and to love you in return is definitely tiring and just hurting...

Not to be discouraging here... but if he is going to just remain lost forever, there is certainly no point hurting yourself over him Eliza. Especially with your case where you guy might have to be apart for a while... I guess we have to always be fair to ourselves... I meant you might just meet someone else? We never know...

Anyway, I believe you be still staying at Japan for a while? Conversing through email is definitely not enough... Now that there is still some time, what you can do is to find a chance to have a good talk with him... If he is able to come to his sense before you fly off... then that's great. But if things are not and that he even refuse to meet you... then I guess you just have to think through things and to just move on...
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Eliza
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Joined: 24 Sep 2006
Posts: 2
Location: Japan

PostPosted: Sat Dec 23, 2006 1:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks Scorpio for taking the time for me.

A few months later I'm better though still feel rough at times. I came back here after doing some study abroad, and I've seen him a few times. We're being friendly and acting like nothing ever happened, but we havent been out anywhere. I guess part of me knows realistically that it's not going to happen; and another part of me still hopes. And yeah I really hope I meet someone else I can have strong feelings for, who wants to be with me. Mind you Ive been waiting forever for that. Have to keep waiting I guess. It sucks!!!
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No amount of poetry can mend this broken heart but you can put the Hoover round if you want to make a start...
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