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The best way/time to tell her ?
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love-sick-1
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PostPosted: Tue May 01, 2007 5:08 am    Post subject: The best way/time to tell her ? Reply with quote

Hi all,

This is a little complex, so I hope you'll bear with me as I try and explain.

I've known this girl since I was 18 (I'm 35 now and she's a year younger than me), and I first met her because she was dating a good friend of mine. Two of my best friends dated/lived with her, but we only stayed in touch as friends.

Over the years we became quite close friends, and we kept in contact, despite her break-up with my friends.

Around 5 years back, she moved to another country, and I've been to visit her there, and stayed with her and her boyfriend on 4 occasions now, with stays of up to 2 months. We all got along very well, and I enjoyed staying with them. It did feel a bit weird though.

One thing that really bothered me, and still does, is how agressively her boyfriend shouted at her during an argument, right in front of me. It broke my heart as well as angered me, but I didn't want to stick my nose in their relationship at the time.

Then, a couple of months ago, she returned to stay with her parents back home as she had various things she needed to do here. So we arranged to meet up, and after a failed attempt due to unforeseen twist in life, we met up and spent a couple of weekends together, before she had to go back to her home abroad, which is the last time I saw her.

Those two weekends were magical for me, but it only dawned on me just how much I cared for her when she'd left!

I had just (perhaps 6 months to a year) ago split up (blaming myself) with my previous girlfriend when I met her, and I had been building up an emotional wall around me ever since, but at some point during those last two magical weekends, some cracks in the wall had started to appear I think.

When I got home after dropping her off at a work-related appointment she had had, and I'd had time to recuperate and think about it (I was exhausted after not having much sleep + lots of driving, which really takes it out of me for some reason), I realized just how much I missed having her about, and that's when I think it hit me - just how much I love her!

The worst thing was, I had tried to ring her just before her flight, and she was obviously busy with checking in or something as she was not picking up, and all sorts of horrible thoughts were running through my mind - Had she had an accident!? etc.

I tried to email her, but there was no response, and after waiting about 14 hours, I gave up and finally got though to her on her mobile. I don't think Ive ever been more relieved to hear someone's voice!

Unfortunately, she was busy and could not talk for long, but those two minutes lifted a massive weight from my shoulders. Even so, I can't stop thinking about her, and what she is doing. I feel hurt that she might be close to someone else now and not with me, although I don't blame her in any way for it.

She also told me that she had been in an abusive relationship (one of my friends!), which broke my heart, and I'm worried she might be in a potentially abusive relationship now, but might not be telling me/in denial, although she did say she wanted to have children (with him). That bothers me a bit since her boyfriend is old enough to be her father (he has children that are her age from his previous marriage).

I guess she must care for him, and if thats the case, and she's really happy with him, then I guess that's all that really matters to me - as long as she is happy!

I can't help feeling jealous of her boyfriend though, and I now that I think about it, I did before also. That wall was well built, and I think it's been almost completely demolished over the past 6 days since she's been gone. I didn't know if it's because of that, or because I love her so much, but the emotional roller-coaster I've been through in the last few days has taken me completely off-guard.

One minute I'm crying for joy, and the next it's because I'm missing her so terribly. I'm crying as I'm writing this! Amongst all of this, and the realization that it's the emotional wall which is what has been holding me back all these years, after thinking long and hard I have stopped blaming myself, and made up my mind to move on in life, and pursue it with the passion that I used to before the break up with my ex.

I now have a clear vision of what I want out of life, and instead of deceiving myself that I could find *true*happiness in being single, I know that what really matters to me is being with her.

The last thing I want to do is scare her off by overwhelming her, but I know deep down inside, that I need to tell her how strong my feelings have become for her, and I need to tell her face to face.

I know she has feelings for me, but just how strong is hard for me to gage. We have both flirted with each other (some sexual innuendo via email, she sent me a valentine's e-card)... now that I think about it, for perhaps 6 months to a year - but none of it registered at the time!?!! I guess that stone was pretty thick!! The feeling that I got from her those last two magical weekends, was that we had got closer, and something was on the verge of happening, but that might just be me, and my inability to read the subtle-signs!

So, I'm desperate to tell her, and explain everything, and I guess, take it from there... but, I fear she will be taken-aback and it might push us apart, if I tell her just how deeply I care for her. Throughout the past few days, I've gone through stages- at one stage, I was contemplating buying a ring for her, and if it was not a total shock, after I had explained my feelings to her, getting down on one knee, but after careful consideration, and stepping back from the situation to try and view it more objectively, I decided this was probably not a good idea. In another stage I was questioning myself weather I really do love her - but the answer kept coming back yes!

I'm not sure, if I should go into too much detail (initially anyway) about what I've been through these past few days, and where, if anywhere I should draw the line on volunteering info - of course, I would never hide anything if she wanted to know. We can talk about almost anything openly anyway, but we have never really talked about our relationship and I have never really mentioned my ex.

I guess I'm just having a few little self doubts... but I've never been in a relationship that's turned out this complex, and so emotionally charged for me. I know if I saw her this minute, despite having spent hours thinking what I want to say to her, I'd probably just collapse (hopefully into her arms)and cry my eyes out (again!). Rolling Eyes

The other thing that really worries me, is that, now that I am sure in myself of my feelings for her, and I don't want to delay mainly because it's unfair to her, she is not going to have much time when she gets back, and I'm not sure what her exact plans are, but I know she will eventually be staying quite close to where I live, for a few months possibly and I hope to arrange to meet her at the airport when she flies in.

I'll probably take her back to her parents house , and that's where I was hoping to tell her, but I'm worried that she will just be too tired after her journey, and I won't be able to find a "good time" to have a close talk with her - the uncertainty of not knowing (if she cares for me "in that way") is bothering me, although no where near as before, but it bothers me more that she does not know how I feel, and I feel guilty because of it!

To be honest, I'm just not sure I'm emotionally developed enough to be with her - She has lived with at least 2 people for years in long term relationships, and I have only had a handful of relationships (many eons ago it seems now) which have lasted 2-3 months, and never lived in a relationship with anyone for more than 4-5 days in one go (more of a short-stay really!).

I do feel I have come on leaps and bounds in the last few days, but my self-esteem still needs time to heal. One side of me is saying don't waste any more time, but the other is saying slow down or you'll do more harm than good, and get yourself into a relationship that's probably not going to work - but I love her so much, I think I have to try, before it's too late!

Sorry for the lengthy post, and thank you for reading it.

Any tips on how to approach this would be greatly appreciated - it's still a little overwhelming for me, I'm emotionally exhausted, and I only want to do the right thing!
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~Angel~
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PostPosted: Tue May 01, 2007 1:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I would let her know how you feel about her. As for a best time to tell her, the next time you speak over the phone might be good. Talking through email, IM, etc. doesn't always get the point across. If that is all you have then over IM or whatever it is that you 2 use to communicate more.

Good luck.
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love-sick-1
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PostPosted: Tue May 01, 2007 2:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for your reply Angel,

but I'm not so sure its the best idea. She said she was very busy this week, and wouldnt have much time (to talk), and I'm not sure if she will want to talk openly, since her boyfriend will be about. I don't want to make it awkward for her in any way!

I feel that, if I ring her, and only get time to say one or two of the things that I want to say to her, she will be left wondering what it's all about... but on the other hand, if I've read her feelings correctly, then she will understand (at least partly) I think, and in that case it could be a good idea I suppose.

Perhaps I'm being overly worried, and I just need a little more faith in myself!?
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PostPosted: Tue May 01, 2007 4:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well if you feel that talking to her over the phone won't be good, then maybe sending her a email telling her how you feel about her in detail would be a better idea. Or maybe post a letter to her instead of an email.
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love-sick-1
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PostPosted: Tue May 01, 2007 5:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks again Angel.

I'm still waiting for her to reply to two emails I sent to her (as I said in my first post), and if I sent a letter, by the time it got to her, she would probaly be back here, so I can't see that working.

I do feel I could open up to her more if I could actually see her. It's going to be hard enough for me as it is I think.

I did just sent her a text, saying I was thinking of her - a first for me (she knows texting is "not my thing"), but at least she will probably see it, and it might give her a bit of a hint - I'm trying to drop as many as I can at the moment, but at the same time, I don't want to give too much away before I can have a heart to heart with her.

It's really bugging me, but I think the only other thing I can do is wait!


Last edited by love-sick-1 on Tue May 01, 2007 5:34 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Tue May 01, 2007 5:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Your welcome. Smile

You have to do what you think is best & what would be the best time for you. If you think you can wait til she comes back then by all means do that. It's much better to talk to someone face to face.

Good luck & keep us posted! Smile
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PostPosted: Tue May 01, 2007 5:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hints are not enough, you have to tell her exactly what you told us above and tell her you realised you were in love with her.
She probably had the same kind of feelings for you as well from what you have described.
If you do so, then when you will meet it will be much easier to go directly to the heart of the matter.
You sounds like being the guy she was looking for.
When she will be there arrange to meet her, and do so by phone, after she has answered your emails, telling her everything.
I said that because you ahve before been flirting for fun and made inuendo so she might misundertood the one for hte other, and beunsure as wether you mean it seriously or not.
So go take a plunge.
Tell it all as it is by email, and then when you will meet it will be much easier to speak about it.
You have known each others long enough to can do so, and are also very close, so it is the right way to proceede in your actual situation.
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love-sick-1
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PostPosted: Tue May 01, 2007 6:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Your'e an angel, Angel! Very Happy

It's hard for me, but I know that I have to wait... I've been waiting more than 15 years now, so 1 week is not going to kill me.

Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart - your words have been a great comfort to me.
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PostPosted: Tue May 01, 2007 6:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

[quote:bf57fbb1c7="love-sick-1"]Your'e an angel, Angel! Very Happy

It's hard for me, but I know that I have to wait... I've been waiting more than 15 years now, so 1 week is not going to kill me.

Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart - your words have been a great comfort to me.[/quote:bf57fbb1c7]

Your most welcome! Smile

I wish the best for you, I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for a very good outcome in your talk w/her! Smile
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love-sick-1
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PostPosted: Tue May 01, 2007 7:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ocean - thanks for taking the time to read my posts and comment.

I realize hints are not enough - but perhaps it will ease the initial shock, when it comes to laying it all down on her.

I can see your point, and it is tempting to write a long email to her, and then it would indeed be a bit easier if I saw her.

I guess it's a gamble. If shes really interested in me, then the email would work I think, but if she's not sure herself, then I think it might do more harm than good, and make my chances to be with her harder in the long run. Maybe I'm being too paranoid, and too frightened of loosing her. I do feel that I have found my soul-mate though, and I don't want to let such an opportunity pass me by!

I'm also worried, that if I mail her, and she does feel the same way about me, when she reads it, she will feel a bit "trapped", being over there with her BF, and I don't want to put her in an awkward situation, if at all possible, but perhaps I'm giving her less credit than she deserves and she can deal with it... I'm just not sure!

So, at this stage, I think I will stick with Angel's advice and wait, but I'm very grateful to hear your thoughts on this as well... it seems as though there is more than one angel hiding out on this forum Wink

Please keep the replies coming - they are all helping me a great deal! Thank you!
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PostPosted: Tue May 01, 2007 7:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

[quote:65f2fb0d7a="~Angel~"]

Good luck & keep us posted! Smile[/quote:65f2fb0d7a]


Will do Wink
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PostPosted: Tue May 01, 2007 7:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

[quote:5bcd403306="Ocean"]
If she is coming for the weekend, then wait, but still tell her that you want to talk to her about something very important with her, so she set time aside with you alone, and also that she dont get all shocked when you will tell her.
But my guess is that she knows it, and also have the same feelings for you, so its going to be very positiv for both of you.
Wink[/quote:5bcd403306]

Good idea - Thanks Ocean. I think that's as close as I can get to having the best of both worlds.

I think she knows it too...
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PostPosted: Tue May 01, 2007 7:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That sounds good! Very Happy

You cannot know in advance what will work best, but you know her, and it is best that oyu act upon how you feel will be the ebst from what you know of her, and from the actual situation.

It will be good to prepare her, I follow your worries and pro and cons evaluations, but maybe she is right now on the tip to drop that other guy, and what you will say to her will make things clearer for her, as what she wants with her life, adn with whom she wants it to be.
If she could initiate a break before coming it will make things even easier once she will be there talking with you.. Wink

But lets not be too optimistic to the fantasy world like kind of scenario.. but my guess it will be pretty close to it, as nothing comes out because of nothing, and she needed the experiences she made to can see the rigth one was you, and the same for you, and now, you became aware of your love for her, and her too, as that kind works simultan with people so close as you two are, and also because the universe conspire to make the best for us! And not the worse as many often assume!
Laughing
You are wild in love of her right now, and in a state of alarming greatest joy and desperation, so all is fine for you as far as I can see..
Very Happy
Remember the flowers, and to kiss her passionatly and as wildly as you feel without harming her in the process, and dont care about anything else but telling her you love her and want her to be your wife.
What if who when what how, who gives a s...? doesnt matter, you will both see.
Right now concentrate on your hearts desire, give it all, and be happy!
The greates in it is that you have known each others for so long, and never were away really, you were always connected somehow, and now, you both know why, and you are both going to feel it fully.
Call her tonight, tomorrow, and begin, if she is alone, or even isnt, just say " I love you" .
Something magical is about to take place, I can feel it.
So go out and buy yourself soem flowers, it will do you a world of good!
You are giving me the ants just to read you! Laughing
Cant stay in place, all worrying and totally happy for nothing and everything..
Try kangoroo jumping, it works for me, so might work for others too! Laughing Laughing Laughing

Humans are relaly funny when they are in love!
I think I'm going to stay a bit longer on this planet, this phenomenon is just too funny to miss it out!

PS: When she say yes, then you will know where "HiiiiiiYahooo!" comes from. Very Happy

Good luck, and stay under the charm!
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PostPosted: Wed May 02, 2007 1:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ocean, what you said made me smile, and shed a couple of tears.

I can't help feeling that she really is "the one". All the little things that have happened seem to support it, but I guess that could just be me reading things into it whilst in a confused state!

I will kiss her passionately and remember to send her flowers... nothing would give me greater pleasure Very Happy

I think you are right that I should act based on what my experience with her has told me, and you have a good point, if she is indeed on the verge of breaking up... I wish I could be sure, that this was the case... Perhaps you are right and she is only looking for an excuse... this would seem to fit with the vibes I was getting from her (that she likes me).

She is still there for another week nearly, so I will give it a couple more days I think (give it a chance to occur naturally), and then text her a short message, basically saying I'm there for her if she needs me, I love her, and I need to talk about something very important with her. I think, if she is really on the same wavelength as me, then she will understand - I've never actually said "I love you" to her, that I can remember, so I think she will know.

She will still have 3 or 4 nights to think it over that way, which I hope should be more than enough time for her to think it over...

Sound like a good way to take things forward?

Not sure if it means anything, but she told me that she had thought one of her ex BF's might "be the one"... but she never said anything about her current BF! I wish I had asked her looking back on it. I suppose all it means is she is not sure... but then why the heck did she say (a few years back) she wanted to have his children?! It makes me think she might have changed her mind about him.

Thank you again Ocean, you sound like a person with a good heart, and I hope you find happiness, if you have not already.

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PostPosted: Wed May 02, 2007 1:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

[quote:647ed16f57="Brandon"]Sophie is a real doll. [/quote:647ed16f57]

So it seems! Very Happy

There seem to be a few hiding out here Wink

If things don't work out between us... you can count on me coming back here Cool

I'll come back anyway to let you all know how it turns out, and see how you are all getting along. I've only been here less than 24 hrs, but I already feel like I have some new friends. Thanks to all for making me feel welcome here and helping me!

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