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What's my next move?

 
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bluebird
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Joined: 13 Mar 2007
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 13, 2007 10:37 pm    Post subject: What's my next move? Reply with quote

Hi, I'm new here and really need some advice.

I've been with my OH for 3 1/2 years, living together for 9 months - with my children from previous marriage, and we have a baby on the way; I'm 8 months pregnant.

On the whole our relationship is fantastic, he's funny, kind, generous, great with my kids, loving, etc
On the down side (there's always one!) I wish he'd maybe do a little more round the house at times and learnt to listen without being defensive straight away but such is life!

On to the problem - since we moved in together our sex life has changed. Our room adjoins that of my 15 yr old son which my OH finds off putting. Also OH used to have a drink every night of the week which put a dampner on any night time activity but he's stopped drinking now but still no change. The only time we have sex is during the day if OH doesn't have to be in work till later, and weekends we "try" and stay in bed a bit later for a cuddle. We have done this right from the beginning of our relationship and it's important to both of us.
In an ideal world, I'd love for us to be making love at night times so we could relax and enjoy it rather than a quickie during the day as it often means straight after he has to jump up to go to work. The intimacy and closeness is what I miss the most.

Two weekends ago, on both days, OH got up as soon as he woke, showered, dressed and started to do some gardening. I was a bit put out but accepted it at the time. We made love on the Monday morning instead, although, again, he had to rush off to work as soon as it was over. I kind of initiated it, as in, I said to him, once I've took the kids to school shall we go back to bed, but the actual sex I would have to say he initiated, and probably does 90% of the time. (This is because he rejected me a few times in the past and it's put me off trying for fear of rejection.)

I often tell OH that I wish we had more sex/intimacy, that I miss it and would love to do stuff at night to when we have more time. I feel he takes this as a critisism and a demand as he always says I could make the 1st move too. Fair point!

Last weekend, on the Saturday, OH woke up, went to the toilet, got back in bed and masturbated. I was in bed, half asleep, but when he got up to clean himself, I woke properly and could see his reflection in the TV as he cleaned himself up. (Sorry if TMI but this bit is relevant - he wiped himself on one of his t-shirts) He then turned over and went to sleep. I was so upset, he hasn't shown me any real interest for almost 2 weeks but is obviously still horny. I also know he's masturbated in the week as I found the evidence. By the way, I don't have a problem at all with masturbation, I feel it's healthy for either sex but am against him choosing it over me especially when I'm in the bed next to him.

I didn't say anything about it immediately as I was not only upset but a bit shocked too that he'd done it, but the more I left it the worse it got and by the evening I was fuming and wouldn't speak to him.
He woke before me again on the Sunday and got straight up again. I followed him down a while later and asked why for the 2nd weekend running he hadn't stayed in bed with me as usual and he said it's cos I wasn't speaking to him. I told him I wasn't speaking to him cos I was awake when he'd masturbated the day before and I was disgusted and sickened by him. What I should have said was I was hurt by his actions but my emotions took over! I left the room crying, he said nothing and still hasn't.
By the way, the t-shirt, he put in the wash for me to clean which I am not doing and he knows this as he has rinsed it and left it by the sink!
So now, 2 days later we're still not talking at all. Yesterday I got up and found a pair of his pants by the sink which he'd clearly also used to wipe himself either the night before or that morning which made me cry again, it was almost as though he's trying to upset me.
This morning I found yet another pair of pants, same condition. So, it seems that he clearly wants me to know and wants to hurt me, or wants me to think/know he's not interested in me anymore.

Again, I spent another morning upset, this amount of masturbating is not normal for him and to be honest I probably wouldn't mind it if I was getting his attention in an equal measure but I'm not.

After all this I decided that I would throw his clothes in the bin, the ones by the sink, and wait for him to say something. I am not prepared to "make up" I think he should be the one to do it but I know he won't.

Then, to confuse matters, he had to go away to work today, for 2 nights. this would leave me with no car, but he said if I gave him a lift to the car hire place he would hire a car for the two days he's away so I wouldn't be stuck. He also kept asking if I needed any money while he was gone and said when he gets back he's paying a bill that I haven't had the money to do. (My catalogue, he pays ALL of the other bills)

This really threw me. I don't understand how he can be so spiteful (o so it seems) with the masturbating/seemingly not wanting me sexually, and then being so caring and generous the next.

As he was leaving he kissed me and stroked my head affectionately and I know he would love to sort this out, as would I, but neither of us has done and to be honest I'm still not ready to just let this go, as I'm sure he wants me to.

He phoned me tonight to look at something on the internet, I couldn't hide the pleasure in my voice at him phoning, but he was really off with me.

So, sorry for the very long ramble, but what should I do? I am still so hurt and angry at his actions, but I know he's not going to admit that he's done anything wrong, and I mean wrong as in hurting me rather than masturbating being wrong, so then we're back to square one.

Help!!!!
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Brandon
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 14, 2007 12:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't know why he would do that and not want you. Shocked
I don't want to put bad thoughs in you head, but something doesn't sound right here. Have you ever caught him on porn websites before?
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bluebird
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 14, 2007 8:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes he has used porn websites in the past, does occassionally still and also has a few DVDs but I don't have a problem with this at all, as at that time we had a very healthy sex life.
My problem is only in the last few weeks/months that our sex life has dwindled with him claiming that he's not as horny anymore, whereas he clearly is.

I don't know if my changing body shape has anything to do with it, being 8 months pregnant, but he's always said it hasn't.
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Brandon
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 14, 2007 12:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think a woman is most beautiful when she is going to have a baby.
I do hope that things with him gets better. Very Happy
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scorpio
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 14, 2007 1:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmmm... with your 15 years old son's room adjoins to yours and that furthermore, you pregnant with 8 mths, I guess sometimes it can been indeed hard for him to... you know?

And in anyway, I believe he does care a lot for you still... to offer to get you a car during his absense and making sure he have enough to pass by... and to be calling you too when he is away? Btw what was it that he wanted to show you on the net?

This is definitely not the end of things... have a good talk with him when he's back. As you said it, tell him how you feel... as in feeling hurt rather than putting the word, "Digust" into the picture...

Now, a relationship of 31/2 years? Surely you guys can have a nice nice chat?
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Brandon
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 14, 2007 3:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You are so right.
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~Angel~
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2007 2:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree w/what Scorpio said, when he comes back, have a sit down w/him & talk to him about how you are feeling. While he's away, maybe plan out how you want to bring the subject up. It might help if you have a game plan set in your mind, sometimes that helps when emotions take over & mix up what you are trying to say.

Good luck to you!
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