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Just another new guy, who needs help understanding women.

 
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thatguy
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Joined: 03 Apr 2007
Posts: 13
Location: Australia

PostPosted: Tue Apr 03, 2007 4:49 am    Post subject: Just another new guy, who needs help understanding women. Reply with quote

Hi all.

Well, this is new for me. Where to start.... I am in my late 30s (dammit), and I've been married for 13 odd years. I have two kids, a boy and a girl, 6 and 10.

My marriage was great at first, but when my daughter was born, my wife just withdrew. She struggled with motherhood at first, but she didn't talk to me about it, and I was as fooled by the fascade as anyone. We went from having sex twice a day ( she would initiate it most of the time ), to not at all. We literally did not have sex for a year, after the birth. When we finally did, it was less than once a month, and every time she would say the same things. 'Don't touch or kiss me', 'are you done yet', and 'do you feel better now'. Over time, I grew to hate myself for accepting sex on that basis, but I always did. My son was born 4 years after my daughter. Goodnes knows how that happened. After that, she suddenly was interested again, for a very brief period. Then, it all cooled off again ( although not as bad as before, I admit ).

We moved house, about 3 years ago. At the time, the bank told me I had to pay my overdue credit card, before I could apply. I did not have one. My wife told me she had taken one to lend her sister money, $2000, and she was paying it off that day.

A year later, she admitted two things to me.

1 - her sister had paid off HER credit card, and
2 - it was for $7000.

She had actively hidden this from me for years. What did she spend the money on ? Food, I guess. I seriously asked her if she had gambled it, but she says no.

I am just today back from being away from home for a month ( for work ). She admits that she has not missed sex at all, although she misses me, in general. She jokes in the car about hoping I don't have any energy, and when I do fall asleep, she doesn't wake me, although she knows I'd love her to.

The bare bones of the situation, and the thing I want advice on:

First of all, every time anything happens to do with money, I feel like she's got another surprise for me. I only mentioned the main one, she has been behind many fiscal disasters. I do make an above average wage, I won't lose the house or anything. The issue that upsets me is trust, more than the money.

And, secondly, I find myself increasingly wondering if love is enough. I hate being a guy, I hate being as motivated by sex as I know I am, but it's becoming increasingly clear to me that I'll get pity sex 3 times a month if I am lucky, until I die. While I was away, I seriously thought about leaving her, because it just doesn't seem normal to me. I love her, and she loves me, she says she does, and I know that despite the discussions we have had, she doesn't understand that I find it hard to believe that she does, when she has no interest in my, physically.

In case you're wondering, she has an orgasm every time we have sex, unless she tells me not to bother. I have put significant effort into trying to explore if there's some way that I am physically letting her down. I really don't know what else to do, but, I do know that, in my book, marriage without sex is not marriage, it's friendship. If we seperated, I'd love to keep that friendship, and I sure would work hard to make sure I staying in my kids lives. But, I am nearly 40, and I'd like to be married, and I plain do not feel like I am.

I'm rambling now. I appreciate any advice.
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