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Does he love me or am I confused?
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Es
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 3:11 am    Post subject: Does he love me or am I confused? Reply with quote

I am sorry if this is a long story, but I figure I should start from the beginningÖ I could really use some male advice.

About three years ago I met Michael. Heís 15 years older than me. We really hit it off. The friend that we met through told me that Michael was divorced. On our first date Michael told me that he was separated, but had yet to get a divorce. They had been separated for 4 years at that point. After a few dates he told me that he had a vasectomy. That immediately was a deal breaker. I want children. He has kids. We had already started a physical relationship and it was so amazing that we decided to continue.

We were not in an exclusive relationship and so I was still dating. Around the same time we met other people and became seriously involved with these other people. We remained friends. Michaelís relationship ended and my relationship continued for some time. I got pregnant and planned on getting married. I had a miscarriage and things between my fiancť and I faltered.

Over a couple of years, Mike and I continued to see each other when we were not in other relationships. We have continued to become closer friends, more intimate lovers, and other feelings have developed. About a year ago, it became apparent that Michael was quite jealous of a relationship that I was in with another man and I have been known to get jealous when he's gone out on dates.

Last fall, he told me that he was in love with me. I was so surprised. I guess I knew this, but it was never said out loud. I eventually told him I loved him too. It did not change the nature of our relationship. We continued to be friends and sleep together.

Then I moved to go to grad school. Michael lost his mother at a young age and had a horrible step mother that berated and emotionally abused him. I do not think he has dealt with his childhood abuse and has significant issues related to that. Iíve learned more about them over the last nine months. Before I left he became distant, reclusive, and depressed. He avoided seeing me. We talked daily via email or phone, but he would not see me. This hurt.

On the day I was leaving, he came to help load the truck and say goodbye. He was all over me, kissing, hugging, very physical. When I moved we continued to talk and email and he told me how much he missed me. He was lonely and I was really worried about his depression. I am certain that heís had thoughts of suicide.

About a month after I moved he started seeing an old girlfriend. I started seeing a new man here. It hurt of course but I really want him to be happy. I soon found out that the woman heís involved with is living with another man and has no plans on leaving him. They are sneaking around and basically having an affair. When Michael first left his wife, he left her for another woman and after the relationship fell apart he swore he would never sneak around again. Itís very painful to watch him in a relationship with a woman that goes home to another man.

I went home over a month ago and things dramatically changed. The first night I was home I had sex with him and then he told me that his relationship with the other woman was getting more serious. A few days after that, I was assaulted and raped by a stranger.

Michael stepped in to support me immediately and was a wonderful friend. Very protective and was one of a very few people I could trust. He was amazingly gentle and loving. For days I was unable to sleep and so finally he asked me to come and stay at his house so I could get some rest. He slept on the couch and I slept in his bed, but he stayed with me, rubbing my face and back until I feel asleep. I took something to help me sleep and as I was falling off to sleep he was telling me how wonderful and precious I was to him.

The night before I had to return to school, he came over to say goodbye. He laid in bed with me and rubbed my back. Unlike the time at his house this was more of a massage. He began gently kissing me and then asked if I was okay with it. He asked if he could kiss my breasts and I allowed him. It was very intimate, but not necessarily sexual. I was and am not ready for that.

I returned to school and we continued talking as before. We talk or email daily. Last weekend I needed to return home again. His situation is a complete mess. He is finally finalizing his divorce and his wife is quite upset and knows that heís in a new relationship. His wife found out the woman he was seeing and it gets worse from here. The woman was a teacher at his childrenís school. His children are devastated. The woman could be in huge trouble if his wife chooses to file an ethics complaint and the wife is so upset and unstable that anything is possible. I explained to Michael that his wife is really hurting and he has not allowed her the closure that she deserves. I am on ďhis sideĒ but I try not to allow him or contribute to negative talk about his wife. I really feel that kids pick up on that stuff.

Before I left I went over to his place to drop something off. His friend was out of town the whole week and his wife was just freaking out. He was very upset. He wanted a hug when I walked in and I was not feeling like hugging him so we just sat and talked. As we talked he was almost in tears and I reached over to hold his hand to comfort him. He looked so relieved when I did that and asked if he could have a hug. I hugged him and he held on for dear life, rubbing my back and embracing me for a good five minutes. As our embrace broke he began kissing me. He did not stop until I pulled away and started a new conversation. He was talking about how tense he was and I offered to rub his back. He asked me if it was okay to go into his bedroom.

We went into his bedroom and I began rubbing his back. He still had work clothes on. After rubbing his back for awhile I finished and he started kissing me. It was very passionate, he asked if he could unbutton my shirt and he started kissing my breasts. We were in the bed rolling around for some time when his daughter called. That broke off the physical encounter, which was for the best. We never talked about what happened between us.

I am completely in love with this man and I donít know what to do. I know that heís developed feelings for another woman and I donít doubt his sincerity, but I know Michael very well and any woman that walked into his life at that moment was going to make him happy. He was so alone and miserable. I know that this woman is going to end up hurting him on some level or another and I canít control that.

I donít tell him that he should not be in the relationship with her. I just tell him that I care and donít want him to get hurt. Iíve told him that he has to address his issues because he needs some inner peace and happiness and canít count on others to ďmakeĒ him happy.

I always assumed that he had a vasectomy because he did not want more children, but it was because his wife almost died when giving birth to their second child. Heís older and not thinking of starting a new family but I donít think heís closed off to the idea completely.

I want to be with him. Weíre very close friends and always will be. I think that he loves me but Iím confused right now. What should I do? Part of me thinks I should walk away from him right now and let him come to me.
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babyrin
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 9:17 am    Post subject: i think Reply with quote

u should be friends with him only and u and ur 15 times older then u that guy relationship is so many relationship,y both of u have so many new gf and bf,y love is not like this.love is the only one u love in ur lifetime,not when u meet other man u like,when he meet other girl he like,this is not love is a crush ,i think u should clear of this,and ask urself,do u really love him,the one u cant live without??
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scorpio
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 2:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm...? It seems like it wasn't a easy 3 years for the both of you...

Well, I guess it is time you have to get clear on things, knowing what you want for yourself, Es. I am not going to talk about all your past relationships. As the word said it, it is the past... but it is always never too late to look into the future...

I do agree with babyrin in that you should honestly be asking yourself whether you really love him? You have to be clear about your own feeling...

Afterall, you have your own life too, Es. We can't deny that facts that you might actually meet someone else who could better be providing you real love and happiness. Or perhaps are there actually some possible ones waiting for you now?

Isn't it every woman's dream that she can find someone who really cherish and can provide her with some real blissful love? You certainly still have your choices, Es.

[i:1cbc329ef3]"but I know Michael very well and any woman that walked into his life at that moment was going to make him happy." [/i:1cbc329ef3]
I am not suggesting anything bad about him but from what you say, it does seem like he is very uncertain about himself... and I wouldn't really know how did he treat you as compare to the other woman who was in his life too.

And from reading your long post, I somehow remember clearly that while you were actually comforting him, he always try to get close to you physically... it somehow just doesn't seem right to me of him doing that... shouldn't he be better appreciating your concern for him that to...

Do pardon me, Es. That's just what I thought.. I could be wrong. You are of course a better person to be able to tell what kind of a person he is.

Anywayl, you always have your choices. If your answer to that very question I initially asked is, "Yes, you love him", then do give it a try. If you never try you can never find the answer.

But you certainly need to have a nice talk with him and tell him how you feel, what you hope that the both of you can be doing together... and this time, it should never be like the past... it is only going to be the two of you and not one else; no more other boyfriends and girlfriends? Just you and him...
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Es
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 5:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you. Those are good questions and things for me to think about. I do think I love him. I can't imagine not having him in my life, although I would have NEVER thought about telling him I loved him until he shared those things with me.

I do think he's having a really tough time right now and I can only be there to support him as a friend. I feel that he needs to seek professional guidance, but he has to feel the same.

I know love is not supposed to feel this way. It took us a long time to come to letting the other know of our feelings. For years I just looked at him as a friend and a lover and then feelings continued to grow.

I dunno. I'm still confused.
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scorpio
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 3:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, do give yourself a little more time..., Es

Perhaps it is as you said, he might actually need to seek some professional guidance... Then be it as a friend or a lover, you should have a nice talk with him giving him some advice...

The only way to solve one's problem would be to face the problem itself. Everyone should have that courage... And there is definitely nothing to be feeling ashamed of with seeking for some professional guidance or counseling should there really be the need...

Maybe you yourself, might like to give it some thoughts too? You should have the courage to face your own problem... running away from things is never the ultimate solution... Do give yourself the chance to honestly think through things... Wink
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Es
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 4:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wink Good point. Thanks.
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scorpio
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 1:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not a problem, Es. Well, do feel free to come back here. As a friend, we can always be just chatting? Wink
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Es
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 9:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thing have totally gotten out of control. The woman that he was seeing broke up with him, his family is pissed and telling him he's a loser, his kids are mad.... He's suicidal. I'm returning home for the weekend and going right to his house. I've called a crisis hotline and asked what to do and it may very well lead to me taking other action. I'm very, very sad for him. Sad
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scorpio
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 16, 2006 4:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow... things does seem to be getting more serious now.

So, I suppose you should have met up with him by now? Hope everything is fine? I am sure he definitely need some kind moral support now and as a friend,Es, just help him with what you can... Any relationship thingy, we shall just put them aside for the time being...

Praying that things will go well....
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Es
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 19, 2006 12:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Long story short. I went to his house on Sunday evening and he was suicidal. I stayed with him through the night. I asked him to give me his gun and he refused. When he got up to go to work and I left, I called his estranged wife. We did an intervention and he starts therapy tomorrow.

He told me that he's never seeing or talking to me again. He was quite upset. I told him I would do the whole thing over again the same way.

I, too, am prayerful that this is what he needs to get help.

Thanks for your kind words.

Es
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 19, 2006 7:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have yet to return to school. I am so sad. It's very difficult to let go. He has Borderline Personality Disorder and they push and pull at the same time. I knew he might push me out of his life, but actually doing it? I was not as prepared as I thought. I am very sad. Yesterday his doctor kept telling me over and over again, "My God you are so in love with this man." I wanted to tell him to stop! I know it, I live it! Anyway, I know it's just going to take a little time for me to get passed this part and move forward.
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 23, 2006 3:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You certainly did the right thing, Es. If I were you, I would have done the same thing too. You are just helping him... Who knows what might have really happened... what if he have really pulled the trigger and... If really so, I guess you will probably regret not taking the action then.

Anyway, I should believe he is safe for now? Hope the therapy will help him... he certainly needs some help.

Well, we wouldn't know what the future might bring... perhaps he will recover soon? We wouldn't know... But I am sure he will be thankful to you then.

I know it is definitely not easy to just let go. You have certainly been through a lot recently... But well, hope all these have nevertheless made you a stronger person... Life certainly have to go on and so is yours...

There is bound to be up and downs in everyone's life and there is no way we can run away from it... the ultimate solution would still be to face it. Perhaps there might be better solutions for him, but whatever it is, you have done your best for him and I am glad that you have been decisive this time in getting him for the therapy. Now, we can only look forward to his recovery and be getting back in life soon...

And I hope that you too can get back to life soon... Well, life is always a journey and not a destination... your journey awaits you... Wink
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Es
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 23, 2006 5:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Right now it's feeling like a rollercoaster. He has contacted me and we've had limited communication. I have not talked with him since Friday. He asked for space and I need to let go and not try to fix. It's hard and slow.
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 24, 2006 4:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I guess it is going to take some time..., Es.

I don't know what I could say to make you feel better but well, if you need to talk to someone... do just feel free to drop by for a little chat. I guess it will be good to have some friends around with you..?
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 5:03 pm    Post subject: Please be careful Reply with quote

Read my post, im new here but you can see what loving an emotionaly weak man did to me. I am just as much too blame,because of my weakness I kept me going back to him. Do you really want to end up like that?
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