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what is going on in her head?

 
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dolphinboy1984
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 09, 2009 5:06 pm    Post subject: what is going on in her head? Reply with quote

Hi all. I have been with my girlfriend for two years and in terms of talking, interests and intelligence we are a perfect match. However, there has been persistent problems between us sexually. In the beginning of our relationship i had erection/anxiety problems. Later, she lost her sex drive from taking the pill but now we have resolved both of these issues.

We still barely have sex. When we do decide to attempt it, she becomes rigid and looks petrified. I have been as patient as possible, trying to talk about what is wrong, asking what i can do to improve the situation and making sure she knows she can tell me if there's a problem. She asked me recently not to ask her, "can we have sex?" but to make an effort to seduce her, which i though was a fair enough request. In the past she has asked me to put a lot more time into foreplay and now, when we have sex, it usually last between 40 minutes and 1 hour. She asked me to ensure she was warm when we had sex, now, i always turn the heating on for her. She asked me to be more romantic, which i did with numerous treats, surprises and meals out. She asked me to be more spontaneous because she accused me of being methodical, so i suggested tantric sex, dressing up and sex toys, while reading various literature about fun games to play and different ways to approach sex. Generally i have tried everything but to no avail.

A point which is probably very pertinent is that she regularly wants me to prove how much i love her by explaining why and answering any concerns she has. We are planning to move in together and decided on a joint bank account for bills but seperate ones for our free cash. However, she was scared that if we broke up i would spite her and rob her money. I was offended because i have never been behind her back in any way. Moreover, i defended and supported her when my old friends didn't like her, basically i cut them out because i didn't agree with their childish reasons. Plus, I am the one that always has to ring her, she does not make anywhere near the effort i make.

I do not feel like anything i can do is correct or will lead a prosperous sex life. Can anyone give me an idea what is going on her head?
Feel free to be as frank and blunt as you like, i am pretty robust. Thanks to anyone that replies and apologies for the high word count.
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Manzier
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 24, 2009 9:22 pm    Post subject: Re: what is going on in her head? Reply with quote

Your confused. Forplay isn't the time just before you have sex. You have to spend the whole day/week at it.

She's right..you can't just say "Lets screw please". That is the least romantic thing in the world. Try this. Buy her flowers and DON"T ask for sex, don't even try to get sex, don't even let her try to have sex. Just say "I got the flowers cause I love you"....then leave it at that...go about your business. Don't ever say "can we have sex". Thats like sayign "Care to blow me?".

Send her text messages once in a while like 'Thinking of you'. Or "Ugg works sucks...I"m so board I wish I was home with you".

Snuggle up and watch a movie...and DON"T try to finger her while your watching the movie..just watch the movie. Give her a foot rub, BUT DO NOT say "Ok...I gave you a foot rub, you owe me sex now".

Just stop trying to "have sex" with her. Instead just be romantic....let her know you love her, not by sayign it, but by showing it. you don't have to buy her stuff, or kiss her nipple just right....just listen to her talk.

If she wants to babble for hours about meaningless stuff that just boars you, well.....listen to her, and show intrest in HER. Thats forplay.
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Lisa843
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 28, 2009 7:26 pm    Post subject: Re: what is going on in her head? Reply with quote

[quote="Manzier"]Your confused. Forplay isn't the time just before you have sex. You have to spend the whole day/week at it.

She's right..you can't just say "Lets screw please". That is the least romantic thing in the world. Try this. Buy her flowers and DON"T ask for sex, don't even try to get sex, don't even let her try to have sex. Just say "I got the flowers cause I love you"....then leave it at that...go about your business. Don't ever say "can we have sex". Thats like sayign "Care to blow me?".

Send her text messages once in a while like 'Thinking of you'. Or "Ugg works sucks...I"m so board I wish I was home with you".

Snuggle up and watch a movie...and DON"T try to finger her while your watching the movie..just watch the movie. Give her a foot rub, BUT DO NOT say "Ok...I gave you a foot rub, you owe me sex now".

Just stop trying to "have sex" with her. Instead just be romantic....let her know you love her, not by sayign it, but by showing it. you don't have to buy her stuff, or kiss her nipple just right....just listen to her talk.

If she wants to babble for hours about meaningless stuff that just boars you, well.....listen to her, and show intrest in HER. Thats forplay.[/quote]
................................................

*clapping* very well said!! Very Happy
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stp23
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PostPosted: Mon May 04, 2009 6:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just curious, why do your friends not like her? Is it her personality or something she has done? I would be concerned about that. Are they seeing something you are not? You should examine this before getting too deep into the relationship.

Also, and I hope I don't offend you, but do you think that she has been abused in the past? If she has a frigidity and tenseness during sex, do you think that this is something you should try to discuss more indepth with her? Just be careful about your approach if you do bring this up in conversation. Going to her family doctor or a counselor should be a priority if there are serious issues with this. If she has been abused in the past, she may be repressing those memories.
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joejoe2
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 19, 2009 7:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ummmm... does she ever ask you what you want? Sounds like this is one-sided and that she cannot possibly ever be happy with just you.
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chalotdatche
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 21, 2009 2:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

i don't really understand why she have a lot of wants during sex... i do understand that most of us girls loves to hear our men say how much they love us and why, it's makes us happy... just be romantic if you want to have sex with her and don't ask for it, just do it in a more playful and romantic way.
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reallove
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 05, 2009 12:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

As the saying goes, "It takes two to Tango". It sounds like there's issues, not necessarily sexual, that you both have. It would be a wonderful thing for you both to feel safe and open up. Time to start letting go of "baggage".
If the foundation of love is still present, then there's hope. Best to you.
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