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She gave the ring back... FOR A LADY FRIEND!

 
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jcsnke
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Location: utica,ny

PostPosted: Thu Nov 09, 2006 4:05 am    Post subject: She gave the ring back... FOR A LADY FRIEND! Reply with quote

Question:
I am a 34 year old male that has been friends with a great 26 year old female for 6 years. The last four we were dating, and we were engaged for just over one year into the last part of this relationship. We have no children and we have always been loyal and honest with each other. We always talked about marriage and everything felt right.
However, the other night she came over to my place and was visibly upset. She was crying and shaking. I knew something was very wrong. She had a hard time telling me, but she said that she can't marry me because she wasn't in love with me anymore. She said that she had been feeling guilty about this lack of love for some time now. She said that she still cared for me and loved me, but just not in that way. She said that I was still her best friend and that she still wanted to be in my life, and continue to do things together as we have in the past. She just felt so bad about hurting me and was upset about me wasting my last 4 years.
We have been faithful to each other, and I never doubted this once the whole time together. We had spent a lot of time together. We have gone on cruises, scuba diving, football games, quality time at home. The sex wasn't as frequent as when we had first started going out. It has only been on average once every month or so. I know that the infatuation wears off after a while, but I was okay with that because I considered her a soul mate, a best friend that I cared for very much, and she did as well. She had done an awful lot for me when I had my knee surgery, and I helped her out when she was going through depression and anxiety bouts.
I was hurt by this news, but I told her that our friendship is strong enough to survive this, and I would respect her feelings. She gave me the ring back, this was the hardest part. I told her that I couldn't do anything to make her change her feelings, but I did not want to give up on her. I told her that this has got to happen in most relationships, and there has got to be a way to eventually overcome this. However, I do not know how, or when this can happen. Or what I can do. Or even if this can ever happen. I guess space is the best thing, so maybe she can better sort things out. Any advice would be supportive. Thanks so much,
Trouble in Paradise.
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Last edited by jcsnke on Sat Nov 11, 2006 11:36 pm; edited 1 time in total
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scorpio
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 09, 2006 5:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is definitely not just the end of things yet...

What's really on her mind, we wouldn't really know... but well, women can indeed be more emotional than to man. Perhaps she really felt that she has not been able to fully commit in this relationship and is drawing back...

But well, the more you should give her your support. You were saying that you believe your friendship is strong enough? No, please don't regard this as only a friendship. It is way more than that to of a friendship, isn' it? You have to show her that she is more than just a best friend to you. Show her that she is your very love and that all you want is to be able to love her and that you are just always happy when with her...


Ask for that chance, jcsnke. Don't just give up, yeah? Let her know that your past 4 years has been just wonderful... it would only be wasted if she hasn't be there... Yes, you have to respect her but don't forget the need to be respecting yours too... She deserve to know just how you feel too, jcsnke.
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jcsnke
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 09, 2006 10:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I expressed myself to her like you said. I did it in a way not to be overbearing or to push her away. I let her know how much she means to me and that I wasn't giving up on us. She replied the following to me via email:
[i:04ee48f692]I appreciate you being supportive to me, as I will be supportive to you. I'm not looking to be with anybody else and I won't for a while... if I ever do... I don't know. I just need to figure out what I'm going to do with the rest of my life I guess. And figure out what feelings are real and what isn't. [/i:04ee48f692]
I guess what I get out of it is that she is encountering a point in her life where her mind, emotions, and heart are trying to decide the course she wants to take for the rest of her life. I can respect this because it can be scarry. However, maybe her doing this now is the right thing so that she can sort out her feelings and be able to get a better prespective on things. I am not going to push her, I will just show her how much she means to me when we are together, or talking on the phone, or whatever. It seems like it is out of my hands after that. Let me know if this sounds reasonable? Thanks...jcsnke.
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jcsnke
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 11, 2006 11:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well I asked for some answers...and I got some answers. It doesn't look good. I knew before getting into this relationship that she had been with the opposite sex before (bisexual). I guess that she has been attracted to a co worker that is female.
She had never known how the coworker felt towards her until recently. I guess that her friend said that she could not commit to somthing 100%, but liked her company and had mutual feelings. Her friend is 42, and I guess her friend was looking for a place to live in near their work and now my ex-fiancee is looking at trying to move in with her. She said that she is scared as hell and doesn't know what to expect. She says that she still has a lot of unanawered questions, but won't know unless she pursues it. She does not want to cheat on me and said that this is why she ended our relationship.
She said that she needs to find out if these feelings are lust or love she has toward her friend. And will never be happy with me when part of her is distracted toward wondering if she'd rather be with this lady. She wanted to be honest and fair to me. She said to be free to what I want to do, because she doesn't think it's fair to hold me back. I just found this out and my head is spinning.
This has been the roughest week of my life!
She knows that she is gambling and might lose everything that I had with her. She said that she knows that things may not be what she thinks she feels toward her friend. She said that a week may go by and she may realize how wrong she was and how terrible she misses me. I really appreciate her being honest with me. But I just can't digest this all right now and know what I need to do. Move on and write this off, or be patient. I am mad, and I am sad. I am relieved to know that she said it was nothing I did. But I am upset about the circumstances. What do you think?????
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 12, 2006 6:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I would say that she has been honest with you at the very least. In a way she does care for you and doesn't want to be hurting you...

I should believe she is indeed emotionally feeling lost now over what to do, what she really wants... At one side, she is afraid of losing you but at the other, you know... I guess she is going through a hard time with her decision over which path of move on...

In anyway, what she say is indeed very true. A relationship is always a two-way communication. If she is not happy, I don't suppose you can be either?

Hmmm... why not say, give the both a little time? Maybe she will just get over this confusion and be back with you? We wouldn't really know... but for that to happen, you need to be helping and giving her support... She is definitely feeling lost now and may just fall anytime...

Well, I guess maybe it would be good not to just give things up yet? We do have to gamble at times... You do have a choice of placing your bet too, jcsnke. I believe you do love her and that's why you are upset? So I suppose you shouldn't just give up that chance of even placing your bet?
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