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Torn Between Two Lovers

 
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Aoyama
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 13, 2007 9:22 pm    Post subject: Torn Between Two Lovers Reply with quote

Well, I've been dating my high school sweetie - hss ( we're both the same age, 20) for about 3 years, and I broke up with him just recently. Reason being, he never wanted to be around me as much as he use to, put me down with a lot of negative words, got into a lot of fights, and so on. We have probably been in that state for the past year that we have been dating. Of course, we had our good times as well, but I was just overwhelmed with what he did that finally pushed me to the edge to break up with him. I think the final push was when we were going out to have lunch. He was driving and when he turned into a parking spot, he drove in too fast and hit the pillar and scraped his bumper. To ease his pain, he turned to me and says, "my mom was right, you are bad luck." He has a really high ego, and refuses to talk to me about how he feels. His mom also really hates me and I dont know for what reason. Could it be because of our different race? I'm Filipina and he is Chinese. Or maybe its just because she doesnt like the idea of her only son growing up and having another women in his heart. He also comes from a depressed family, where his dad likes to gamble and his mom seems to take out her anger on her children. I thought, enough was enough, and I decided to move on, or shall I say, break up with him.

Soon after the break up, another guy has already emerged in my life. He too has gotten out of a similar relationship as mine, only his lasted for about 10 years. He is much older than me, he's 28 right now. Does age really matter in a relationship? I thought not, so I decided to get to know him better. Turns out that he is really such a nice, sweet, caring, and understanding kind of person. I know that I've recently just met him, and I still have a lot to learn about, but I really like what I see. I can imagine having a nice steady relationship with this guy and not worry about anything at all. My parents have already met him, and think that he is the most "perfect" guy ever. He takes out the garbage without being told, helps around the kitchen when my mom is cooking, washes the dishes after every meal, and even has the courage to strike up conversations with my dad. He was raised with good work ethics and is socialite. What amazes me more, is that he really knows how to get along with my baby brother who is seven years old. (My hss hated being around my brother) Most people get really annoyed with him, including me, but that could be because we're siblings. Anyway, this new gentleman is half white and half chinese, and his family is really so kind. It reminds me of my own environment while growing up. I felt easily accepted into their family and we also have the same religion. (My hhs didnt believe in my religion and chooses not to believe and says that I can never change his mind.) He is really amazing, and he treats my entire family so well, but he never really finished college, and I don't know if he'll ever go back. (my hhs attends one of the most hardest to enter universities in California and is attempting to become a pharmacist.) He also talked to my parents about dating me. He asked my parents if it was alright if we started to date. My parents really like how he's old fashioned and respects the entire family. We aren't dating yet, but I think he wants to start dating soon.

But during the past 3 days, my hhs has finally been pouring his heart out to me and telling me how he truely feels. He says that he is really sorry and that he knows he was wrong in the relationship and wants to start over again. He says that he understands all his wrongdoings and said that he never opened up to me before because he didnt want to see my brood over his own feelings. He says that out of concern for me, he kept me out of his own heart. I responded to that with, "why now? why tell me all this now? Is it because you're afraid that you lost someone who once cared so deeply about you? Or is it because you really do love me?" He says it's because he does love me, but is he just saying that to get me back? He said that he'll give me his heart and soul, and that he'll be more affectionate. And that his mom was sorry for "pushing" me away, and being so mean towards me. But as much as I want to come back to him, how am I really sure that the relationship would last? I keep thinking that it's only going to be good for the next few months, and then everything is going to be back the way it use to be. But I've also never seen him act this way before, I think that maybe he really has changed for the better, and this time for me.

But what to do now? Do I trust what my hhs says and return to him? Or do I have a fresh new start with the new gentleman in pursuit of new happiness?

-Lost and confused, torn between two lovers
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nolove
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 14, 2007 12:02 am    Post subject: what does your heart tell you? Reply with quote

This is a real big dilemma!
hhs- you know people can change and they always turn back to the people that they miss in their life. But sooner or later the bad side show of them all..

Gentleman- It's clear that this man is someone that you can trust and know won't let you down. He has showed the best side of him. But it must be things that he does wrong.

Remember- everything isn't how it looks like.

No one can help you with this problem then you!
Listen to your heart ...Before you tell him goodbye
//Nolove
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Aoyama
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 15, 2007 4:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*Update*

So, I told them both that I've decided to stay single for awhile and that I needed my space, which I think they both took okay. I recently invited the gentleman to a family gathering of mine. And he was easily accepted into our family. My relatives enjoyed talking to him and wouldnt stop with the compliments when he left later that night. They think that he is too good to be true and my parents were even joking around that he is already their son-in-law! He even cooked for our family, helped clean up, and was just really a family-oriented kind of guy. It really made me happy to know that he is a family man.

But last night, my hhs called me on the phone, and started pouring his heart out to me again. He was telling me that he missed and loved me so much that he's going crazy. He says that he's willing to do anything and everything just to have me back in his life. He imagines the future together and even dreams that we are happy together like how we use to be. He says that he has faith that we'll be happy together if I gave him a second chance. He says he wont give me up until I've completely moved on, and until then, he's going to continue telling me that he misses me. Then he started crying, something he says he never does, and it wasnt just tears running down his face, it was all out crying. I didn't know what to say while he was telling me all this, so I started crying too. I keep thinking to myself, why tell me all this now..

I don't know what to do!

-Lost and Confused
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Aoyama
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 15, 2007 4:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sad
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clueless24
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 15, 2007 8:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i wont know what to do in your situation either. the question you have to ask yourself is do you still love your ex? does he still make you happy? what about the other guy, does he make you happy? and do you feel sparks when you see him and do you think of him? if your heart skips and is wanting to look for something new, you should not limit yourself to a relationship that you no longer committ yourself to. i know 3 years is a long time, but if you really love that person, he should be ur only focus; but he is no longer ur only object of affection...maybe he's not all that you need anymore, maybe you're just feeling guilty that you are walkinb away when he is trying so hard. i dont know what the extent of your relationship is, i am just speculating. i think that it is very wise of you to chose to be single for awhile. it will help you sort things out and just step back and look at your previous relationship and look closely at the new opportunities that are presented to you. good guys are hard to come by and it's hard to find someone to make you happy. but most importantly you have to make urself happy. regarding the age difference, it's not a problem at all. regarding his education, he can always go back to finish, talk to him about it when you feel that relationship is stable enough. otherwise, i dont know what to tell you. hope i helped you somehow, but good luck with everything Wink
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pedro_9k6k
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 16, 2007 3:28 pm    Post subject: Re: Torn Between Two Lovers Reply with quote

Hmmm! I would prefer a site called www.my-dating-advice.com/ there are tons of articles covering many different topics and these are being added to on a regular basis. Hope this will help you.
Best of luck!
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quinnquinn
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 04, 2008 1:10 pm    Post subject: Re:Torn Between Two Lovers Reply with quote

Hey, I am not know but one free online dating site called www.vertigosex.com . Itís really a best site among of all. Hope this will help you.
Good luck!
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herrrazor
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 04, 2008 5:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow. You ARE in a dilemna. Unfortunately, there's no right answer. Only because time will tell what is the right thing to do in this situation, and of course, hindsight is 20/20.

I've been in a similar situation. My ex-wife was very VERY harsh (I won't go into details as this is not MY post, it's about you and your problem). Suffice to say that our relationship just could not go on. I was VERY good to her, but she was HORRIBLE to me. I put up with it for YEARS until I had finally had enough. I threatened to divorce her, and during that time she realized what she was losing. So she started doing what your hhs is doing (or was - I hope I'm not too late with this), crying, pouring out her heart, etc. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and tried to make it work. And after a couple of months, she was back to her same old ways.

The thing you have to ask yourself is - is he acting this way for YOU or for HIM? Not even kidding, he sounds like a child throwing a tantrum when he's denied his toy. I can't say that he'll definitely start acting the same ol' way he always acted once he has you back, but it's a very good chance that he will. People DO change, but more often than not, their change in behavior is simply a reaction to the threat of losing something. In this case, he's scared of losing you, because you were OBVIOUSLY good for him, and he knows that it would be very hard to find in someone else what he found in you.
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