Love, Romance & Relationship Discussion Forum Index Love, Romance & Relationship Discussion
Share with us problems and questions regarding love relationship
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Can an abusive Spouse/Partner change?

 
This forum is locked: you cannot post, reply to, or edit topics.   This topic is locked: you cannot edit posts or make replies.    Love, Romance & Relationship Discussion Forum Index -> Love Advice
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Chicalen
Member
Member


Joined: 28 Mar 2006
Posts: 5

PostPosted: Tue Mar 28, 2006 5:23 pm    Post subject: Can an abusive Spouse/Partner change? Reply with quote

Hi everyone,

Heres my story. I was married for 3 years to an abuseive husband we have been seperated for 3 months and I have started dateing again but I still love my exhusband he is now going to anger management classes and says he is a changed person that the old him is dead and that he still loves me and wants me back but I am worried that if I do go back that things will be the same as before. We have 2 children together and he is a great dad to them. I just don't know what to do. I tried to hate him and not feel anything for him but I can't I still love him. Sad

Thanks for any advise you guys can give,
Me
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
scorpio
Site Admin
Site Admin


Joined: 02 Jun 2005
Posts: 292

PostPosted: Wed Mar 29, 2006 12:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, we really wouldn't know how things is going to be; what will happen... but it is only when you try, will you know the answer.

So why an anger management for him? Did he take it up specially because of you? If it is so, it just goes to show that he really still cares about you; about this relationship...

And you were saying you still can't forget him and you know that you still love him?

Perhaps things might really change for the better. Well, the best scenario would be afterall, a happy family back together isn't it? For yourself and nevertheless your 2 kids, I believe it is worth to give it a try...

You could just tell him straight that you are willing to give him one more chance but if things remain the same, you will have to say sorry to him. Let's just see what he have to say...

Well, if he can't even take this simple remark, then the anger management course had certainly done nothing to him...

Best wishes.... Wink
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Chicalen
Member
Member


Joined: 28 Mar 2006
Posts: 5

PostPosted: Wed Mar 29, 2006 1:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you for your reply. I just wish it was easier to decide between lisening to my heart or lisening to my mind. He is out of town right now but I am going to have a long heart to heart with him when he gets back.

Thanks again,
Amanda
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
scorpio
Site Admin
Site Admin


Joined: 02 Jun 2005
Posts: 292

PostPosted: Thu Mar 30, 2006 1:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It would certainly be good to have some heart to heart talk with him. Perhaps you might be clearer on your decision after so...

Well, I guess happiness is ultimately what one would seek in their life. Choose the path, which you know will make you happy...

Hope everything will go well... Best Wishes to you, Chicalen Wink
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
CashMoney
Member
Member


Joined: 04 Apr 2006
Posts: 2

PostPosted: Tue Apr 04, 2006 1:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

my personal opinion is that if you believe he went to the classes for you that he will not change. if he did it for himself then there is hope
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
mixedbreedghost
Member
Member


Joined: 02 Jan 2006
Posts: 3

PostPosted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 11:27 pm    Post subject: Don't go back to him Reply with quote

I have never been married, but i know what abusive relationships are like. There is an old saying that you can't smell teh shit when your so deep in it. I think your problem might be your still wanting his approval so bad that your not doing justice to yoru own needs and teh needs of your children. I think no matter what your children's saftey should come first. You might not think he would be like that with them, but guys like that are good at hiding there abusive behavior for periods of time, but you can't honestly think you can predict their actions. I think you shoudl get outa the shit logn enough to see teh situation more clearly. I like to have teh same hoep about men that they can change. However i've been through every possible form of abuse a man can put you through, and i know i am worth more now then i ever realized.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
scorpio
Site Admin
Site Admin


Joined: 02 Jun 2005
Posts: 292

PostPosted: Thu Apr 06, 2006 1:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, anything is possible in life... We can't deny that facts the one can really change himself or herself if they really want to? They are no doubt real examples of how bad one can be but then again there are always good genuine examples too?

I am not trying to speak up for or against anyone. But I just thought we should give our friend, Chicalen some support? She is certainly feeling confused now but I know she is going for it, at least for the heart to heart talk
she mentioned?

Why don't say, we see how her meeting up with ex husband will be first...?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Chicalen
Member
Member


Joined: 28 Mar 2006
Posts: 5

PostPosted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 12:57 pm    Post subject: Thanks everyone for your input.. Reply with quote

As far as the classes he did it for himself because he now sees that he was really bad when we were together. We had a talk and we are going to go get marriage counseling and start dateing to see how it goes. I am by no means rushing back into anything until I am sure he has changed as I told him we both need to get to know each other again and build up the trust between us before we can ever even think about being together as husband and wife again. Thank you Scorpio for all your support.

Chicalen
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
scorpio
Site Admin
Site Admin


Joined: 02 Jun 2005
Posts: 292

PostPosted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 1:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, that certainly sounds a good arrangement, Chicalen. At least, I can see the effort coming from the both of you and that's how love should be. It is always a two-way communication.

Not rushing into things as you said. But I am really glad that the both of you are willing to give it a try, to be giving one another the chance to be together again.

My best wishes to you, Chicalen.

Hope you will bring us good news... Wink
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
dasads6690
Member
Member


Joined: 27 Jun 2005
Posts: 4
Location: Australia

PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 10:20 am    Post subject: Can an abusive partner/spouse change? Reply with quote

Chicalen-At least he is willing to go get counselling.Few are man enough to admit they have a problem.I'd be worried about him saying he's changed as it takes time to begin to change from agro to ok dealing with things.If you get back together make the rule he keeps going to anger management.I haven't been with my abusive ex for many yrs & the best
thing too.
Hope he treats you better,if he acts the same as before leave him for good.
Das.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
JohnBo
Member
Member


Joined: 10 May 2006
Posts: 7

PostPosted: Sat May 27, 2006 4:20 am    Post subject: Can an Abusive Spouse Ever Change? Reply with quote

Chicalen --

My spouse used to be very abusive. (See my post at "Can an Affair Ever be Honorable?") She would hit, kick, pull my hair, scream obscenities at me, mock me, and try to humiliate me (and sometimes succeed).

She has changed for the better. But not completely. If we don't buy the car she wants, she will get angry, and talk at length about her needs. She has a real temper that flashes up frequently. She will roll her eyes frequently at me. However, she has not yelled any obscenities at me in probably 4+ years. I don't think she has physically been abusive towards me in 4 years or so. I think she withholds sex to punish me, or try to make it as unappealing as possible ("if we must, please hurry John" or "do you mind if I leave my shirt on?" or "again?! we just did it 3 nights ago!!!" or, while I am attempting to be intimate with her, she'll talk about the kids, or the weather, or what have you, or, if she has a disagreement with me, she'll refuse, or, she frequently claims to be too tired.): And it's not just that she doesn't like sex, I think she a little bit goes out of her way to be somewhat unkind about it with me. She can be harshly critical of our small children, and I really don't like that -- she really loses her temper, and, on a few occasions, has hit them in anger (but not very hard, but enough that they are stunned and cry).

But this is about you and your husband, not me and my wife!

I guess my point is that, in my own experience, people do change, and for the better, but not 100%. I'd say I've seen a 50% improvement. Hopefully you can see more improvement than that, but, be prepared to not even see that level of improvement.

John
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Chicalen
Member
Member


Joined: 28 Mar 2006
Posts: 5

PostPosted: Tue May 30, 2006 4:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks John. I hope your wife gets better. Please try to take care of yourself and your kids.

Chicalen
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Breezie
Member
Member


Joined: 22 May 2006
Posts: 16
Location: Pittston, PA

PostPosted: Tue May 30, 2006 4:30 pm    Post subject: People can change Reply with quote

People can indeed change....also keep in-mind it takes them wanting to do it and not just them doing it because they know you really want them to do it.

It's similar to rehab....if you want to stop you take all the necessary actions to changing but how often does that attempt fail....

If you get back with him, knowing in the past you were abused....and then months later it happens again, it's only going to get worse.

But, you never know, it may not happen again.....just watch out for your safety.
_________________
RaeRae....
Live well, Laugh often, Love much

letsdoitliketheydo@hushmail.com
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
hidesherheart
Member
Member


Joined: 27 Aug 2006
Posts: 12
Location: Foothills of North Carolina

PostPosted: Sun Sep 10, 2006 1:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I know this is an old post, but in reading it, I just had to respond. I grew up in a household with an abusive, alcoholic father. My sister and I used to beg our mother to leave him. Her response was always, "Where would I go, and what would I do?" Which in her case had some validity. She had been nothing but a wife and mother and no marketable job skills, so she endured. However, as a result, I grew up bound and determined that I would allow NO man to ever belittle or abuse me. I made sure I went to school, and had a decent paying career so that I would not ever be bound to any man for any reason. I have been married twice, and both men knew from the get go that I would take whatever means necessary to protect and defend myself and my children from that kind of life. My second husband, on a drunken binge one night tried to slap me around. I tried to kill him, and nearly succeeded, (Thank God, I didn't) but that was the end of the marriage, despite his many pleas and apologies. My point being, abusive men and women, for that matter have very low self-esteem and for some reason, it gives them a boost to have their significant other fearful of them. I don't trust them, nor will I ever. And, I don't beleive they change.
I have 2 beautiful grown daughters, and I raised them to be independent, strong women, capable of caring for themselves and their children, should the need arise. I firmly beleive that a strong, confident, self-sufficient woman is so much less likely to be abused. Because a spouse that abuses is empowered by the fact that they are feared.
Chicalen, please dig down deep in your heart and soul and examine your feelings for this man. Make sure what you feel is genuine love, not loneliness, not a longing for a realtionship that can never be. Another thing that empowers an abuser is making the abused feel that she is worthless, unattractive, and unlovable, and the HE is the only man that would have you.
That's my 0.02 worth.
_________________
Learn to live, and to love, rather than to just exist.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Yahoo Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
This forum is locked: you cannot post, reply to, or edit topics.   This topic is locked: you cannot edit posts or make replies.    Love, Romance & Relationship Discussion Forum Index -> Love Advice All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum

HomePage | Love Articles | Dating Services | Love Calculator | Feng Shui Modern Living | Art of Feng Shui


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group