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She's obssessed with men!

 
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Tanibop
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Joined: 29 Sep 2006
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 29, 2006 6:50 am    Post subject: She's obssessed with men! Reply with quote

Ok here's the thing. I have a 31 yr old friend (female) she has 4 daughters to whom all have different fathers. well one is suspected to have same dad as the middle child but will never know. How ever that is not the problem. My friend is obssessed with wanting a man. It's all she ever talks about guys guys guys!!! It's driving me bonkers and i don't know what to say to her anymore or what advice to give or how to help her as ive tried being nice, being blunt, just being a shoulder u name it ive tried it! Atm her situation is she has been having a casual r/s with a 50yr old man who is her ex best mates ex bf. She says she has fallen inlove with him and he knows about this but will not reciprocate it to her degree as he says he is messed up from his ex but mind u he only rings her when its good for him or for a booty call and nothing else. She hasnt had a r/s for years as the guy she was last in a r/s was for 7 yrs on and off he was absusive and since she left him she has only been able to pick up one nighters or casuals as no one is interested in her for long term because of her looks and being over weight and being too full on with her personality. No one will take the plunge to be in it with her for the long run also because she has 4 kids. She thinks she is going to end up a lonely old maid in a nursing home and never experience love or marriage! She actually makes me want to cry at her life story with men Sad now she believes that no one will ever commit to her except her abusive ex bf who would take her back in the drop of a hat!!! She has been sleeping with so many men while with herr casual trying to get someone to commit to herr, i have told her that she shouldnt do that but she justifies it saying she loves sex as well. Its frustrating as her friend! She even degrades her self getting into fisting with her casual and drinking his cum from a cup and heaps more stuff i would not even consider trying. She justifies it saying she loves it but then cant walk for days aftewards!Sad ggggrrr!!! What can one friend do make her see she needs to stop making a tart of herself, giving herself to dirty bastards who only use her and make her focus on her kids and let love knock on her door???
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scorpio
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 02, 2006 4:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I guess it is going to really hard to knock some sense into her... Perhaps she has been hurt too much, losing motivation in life...

But still, she definitely still needs a friend and you can be just the one, Tanibop. You will still be there for her if she needs you right? If you can, try to talk some sense into her slowly... You can try working on her weakness. Hmmm... I believe she loves her children? You can bring the children into the topic making her think.... I believe she cares about their future... And which maybe, you can slowly work on getting her to exercise to slim down... I should believe every women would want to look pretty and nonetheless would always feel confident when they have a nice figure? Maybe you can think of more things which could trigger her to think and reflect on her life?

What you could do as a friend is to keep reminding her and try to guide her back... At the end of the day, it is still her who could help herself...
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abundance
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Joined: 03 Oct 2006
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 07, 2006 1:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi there,

Wow!. What a friend she has in you indeed!.

Sounds like you have gotten yourself feeling quite responsible for her life circumstances and give very generously and freely and unconditionally.

You have some exceptional qualities as a person and could be the best friend to anyone who might 'need' you. You are also extremley intelligent and emotionally aware and people in need such as your friend, will grab you up like a huge packet of delicious sweets and eat you!. You are a beautiful giving soul of a man/woman who cares very deeply about others and this is a very wonderful thing, but only if it is not taken for granted.

I am very sorry for your friend who sounds like she is in great distress and has a past she is trying to move forward but finding it extremley difficult. You have done a great deal for her and am sure that you will not want to give up on her until you have saved her like the knight in shining armour would, but chivalry is not her quest and only just yours if you get where I am coming from?

You can lead a refuge camp to safety and shelter but if they refuse to take it, time and time again, then your efforts are pointless and not just that, but unrewarding too. I am sure that your friend has great need of you and does appreciate your support and friendship, but it sounds as if there is a great deal of giving and less receiving if you are with me here?. Looking more closley at the problem, inside of you, there is some frustrated anger from something of your own past that gives rise to the feelings you feel about this situation this woman is in and only you can acknowledge and understand this if you were not entangled with the emotions of other people.

I have been like you for some time in my life with other people and usually feel the need to fight other peoples battles and rescue them and never knew why and only that it felt important to do so at the time. But what is going on in the inside and I am sure you will agree with me, is that you are angry towards these men not only because of the way they are and how they leave this woman feeling, but also because it raises something painful inside of your own emotions you have cut yourself off from and choosing instead, to be angry for someone else. I don't profess to know everything, but I read through your story and what came accross quite strongly was that your own issues have become entangled with the issues belonging to someone else.

It's as if two sparks have fused head on and your anger is also the anger and pain you carry for this woman plus your own and hence the enormity of your feelings that must overwhelm you?

You are not responsible for others and because you choose to be, makes you a kind of a hero that is being trampled on because your help and support is not being appreciated in the ways that it ought to be. The efforts you are going to, to save this woman from more pain and suffering is fuelling your anger further because you are taking on the world as well as your own. It is generally within every human being to want to salvage and save others from pain, but it is also part of our nature to want recognition, appreciation and some amount of approval and respect- few people would choose to be in your shoes. If we do not get these things or desire them, we have low self esteem and no regard for our own welfare or wellbeing. You are the exception to the rule and quite unique and very special but definitley being trampled upon.

This is not only admirable, but courageous too and very unslefish.

Yet, this friend who has been through absoloute hell, needs something that neither you nor her casual boyfriends can provide and the patterns that she repeats is a strong indication that there is something seriously amiss with this situation and she is not only placing her own safety in jepordy but that of her children as well.. If she is promiscuous in this way, her children will no doubt become exposed in one way or another to her behaviour they will think is normal and acceptable.

Was she by any chance, sexually abused as a child?. It is common for women who have been through childhood abuse to feel that all they deserve is more abuse and she may very well be masking her past from you and herself and seeing these awful men because they offer her crumbs - not committment or love, but bits and peices of abuse she accepts because it is familiar to her and what she feels she deserves and must have gone through quite a few times already to know that what she is getting is abuse. She may also confuse sex with love when what was taught to her as a child, was that there was no distinction between the two.

Her weight is not the issue as weight does not have anything to do with the lack of respect she deserves from men. She is self-abusing and allowing herslef to be abused and it appauls me to read that there are some screwed up people out there who would abuse a woman in these ways and doing so knowing that she is vulnerable and doing it because this is all she feels that she deserves. Shame on the men that are messed up, but to inflict pain on someone is outrageous and unforgivable and pretty barbaric despite the glamerous Sach-Masochism people use to justify their behaviours as trends. - It is no wonder that women end up being what men teach them to be and I feel the anger too on your behalf!

All a man has to do is walk away - say no - get therapy - go for a long run - fxxk a woman who they intuitivley know are not vulnerable - chop their cocks off - leave kids alone - screw a tree but not do things to people they know are used to this behaviour and take their vulnerability and fxxk it up even more. I can hardly beleive that people abuse each other in these ways and do so in the quest to render others more powerless because they are inadequate themselves.

People must be shown respect if it is to be given and reflected back and somewhere in this woman's life, she has been exposed to some pretty traumatic abuses that have come to last into her adult life now and what she thinks is normal and what she is deserving of. Whether or not she has had children by different men makes no diffrence and neither does the fact that she has had a past she is wanting to move on from but finding it extremley difficult. She feels unnacceptable, unlovable and undeserving of anyhting better than this and she is in quite a lot of emotional pain she is maksing it behind this personality she uses to make herself feel liked and popular.

There will be a lot of shame and stigma for survivors who have gone through abuse as children and understandably, they will want to cut off from their feelings as much as they can. But your role as her friend is to support her to confornt and aid her to try and deal with these problems that she so far seems unwilling to want to take from you what you are offering and you are being the emotional crutch she leans on to get her total support. This is not healthy my friend and can end up being very destructive if it becomes too much of a pattern.

Be there for her but not as a crutch. This will serve no other purpose than to abuse your boundaries and needs. Be the umberella when it pours but don't get flooded as you too will be starnded by her emotions you will be of no use to her if you are overwhelmed and affected by her issues. Standing back a little may help matters a lot and you will then find that she will appreciate your efforts much more than she does currently. You are not responsible for her life or her past or her present, you can be a firend by helping her confront her problems head on with honesty from her part but if she fails to be honest even with herself, she will end up with a life unchanged and more damaged than it is already.

You can't save a drowning ship and her children are her concern and her priority is to put their safety first and hopefully these unsavoury men do not have access to them. If she refuses or denies she has a problem that you as an intelligent man know that there is a real serious problem here, then step well back as you may find that you could end up tangled up in other things you won't want to be.

We all have choices and they are free to us. Hers is to acknowledge that there is a problem and that she is committed to want to deal with them. I wonder how it is that all the good men (assuming that you) end up trying to save the lives of drowning women and yet, your energies could be used to much greater purposes in life you can't see them because you are swamped in the welfare of others who you think need you but don't. You could be writing books, being paid as a social worker or giving aid at the red cross!

I have stopped trying to help the drowned when like you, I was never any use despite giving my entire life to others to help them and have had my life ruined almost by people who were abused and in denial because of it.. Now I do what I like and it is not selfish to have needs and to get them met. I was abused all throughout my childhood and I chose to become a survivor and not allow myself to be abused again by anyone or my good nature continually going to waste.

If this friend is worthy of your time, she will want to help herself and appreciate your help by changing the way she lives her life, not by repeating patterns that each time she cries you are there with a shoulder. This is counter-productive to the situation and allows her to think that you are a doormat and you are not unless you stand back a little and encourage her to get help.

This is my best advice to you and am sure that after reading this you will be in agreement with me hopefully?

Best of wishes to you and really think that you are taking on way too much!
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Dion
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 08, 2007 12:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Do you think she is a sex addict? it is a disease just like alcoholism. There is help and if it's not that maybe she has issues which she might need counselling for.
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Josieblue
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 10:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

[quote:60a068b64d="Dion"]Do you think she is a sex addict? it is a disease just like alcoholism. There is help and if it's not that maybe she has issues which she might need counselling for.[/quote:60a068b64d] You mean she's got nymphomania.

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Brandon
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 11:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

[quote:ba8bcca31c="Dion"]Do you think she is a sex addict? it is a disease just like alcoholism. There is help and if it's not that maybe she has issues which she might need counselling for.[/quote:ba8bcca31c]

I agree. She should get some help. Also, she should now think about her kids more than having sex with men.
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